Hooray!

I am done, done, done, done, done, DONE. Stick a fork in me because I am done! It felt so good to walk out of the BRI (Bristol Royal Infirmary) today and know that I wouldn't be going back. It's been some journey. What a relief. No more poking, prodding, ingesting drugs, cutting me open and not knowing what my body would do. No more having to get my breasts out at every medical appointment.

When I asked the medical staff what my health status was, they were hesitant to say. They don't like saying the words 'cured' or 'remission' any more because in every cancer survivor there is always a chance of reoccurrence. So they like to cautiously say that all appropriate treatment and medicine has been administered and applied and that now it is a case of monitoring and keeping a close eye on my health. Very long answer. I will have yearly mammograms for 5 years and then less regularly for the rest of my life. I will also take a daily dose of tamoxifen for the next 5 years which lessens the chance of any remaining potential cancer cells from becoming active.

But it would be very accurate for me to say that I am now TUMOUR FREE  and CANCER FREE. Hooray!

I may still experience more tiredness these next couple of weeks as the effect of the radiotherapy continues to accumulate so I still have to go easy. I haven't cycled for two weeks already and don't really feel the energy for it. I've been sleeping loads as well which has probably been a reaction to the treatment.

After my appointment today, I went to the shops and bought myself a gorgeous pair of brown leather boots. Well deserved I think.

On the home stretch

I am on the home stretch of my final treatment. It's very hard to explain how I feel. Exhilarated, sense of relief, tiredness, disbelief, hope, overwhelmed. I think back to what my year has been and it has been weird....surreal. It was totally mapped out for me from the time when I discovered about my cancer which was at the beginning of February. From that time it has been a marathon of doctor appointments, hospital visits, treatments, surgeries, side effects, drugs, sickness and emotional turmoil. I can't believe I am nearly finished. In one sense it has been a long journey because it has not exactly been enjoyable, but in another sense it's also been compact and swift. I cannot fault the NHS at all. They have been absolutely brilliant. As soon as I finish one stage of treatment they promptly send me details of the next stage. I have been so well looked after, that I feel very blessed. I also can't believe that I have been off work this long. By the time I go back to work it will have been 6 months. I am also overwhelmed by how well supported I have been by friends, family, work and my church. 

I still believe that God allowed me to have cancer for a higher purpose. Because He has given me everything that I needed to get through it. However I am still unaware of what it has been for. But I hope my story will inspire others to get through the same fight. I really hope that I will never have to repeat this journey. But at the same time I will not have changed it. I have been so blessed, which only comes from a circumstance like getting a serious illness. I can also honestly say that my relationship with God has grown stronger through this. Maybe that has been the point. My knowledge of Him has grown. I know now that there is nothing impossible for him. And I am so overwhelmed by His love. I hope I never forget this experience.

2 more treatment sessions and then I will be done. No more treatments. Can't wait.

Starting to wilt

I'm starting to feel tired now. I have just woken up from a two hour nap in the afternoon. And all I did was go to my radiotherapy appointment and the supermarket. And I also have a cold. 

Thoughts About Death

Lynda Bellingham (her of the Oxo ads) died this month of colon cancer. She was diagnosed last year. I remember her from the TV series Second Thoughts. My parents' neighbour died a few days ago having been diagnosed with liver cancer a couple of months ago. These two deaths of people who I do not even know, also made me think of my ex-boss and friend Max who died of colon cancer two years ago. So this has made me ponder about death these few days. What are my chances of living a good long life now that I have been touched by cancer? Will I die before my parents? Will I die before my brother even though I am younger?

Before I had cancer I lived my life as if it was before me. Because that is what you do. Why worry about death when it is a distant possibility? I would love to live that way again. Not thinking about death. Or at least not fearing it. Looking ahead into life as if it is was one long road that never ends.

I am not entirely sure why I am thinking about my death and when it will be. It will be a relief that is for sure. Life is hard. But there is something about achieving all that you meant to achieve before you go. If I think about my life and imagine that I was to go next year, I wouldn't be dissatisfied with what I have done. But then I wouldn't be very pleased either. I think I have lead a safe life. Doing what is required of me with a few adventures. If I was to die next year, I would probably do more mad things to make it count. But the question is do I have the courage to do mad things now not knowing when I am going to die? Being aware of death is good in that it focuses you on the important things in life and makes you realise that the other stuff is just fluff. 

I have yet to have conversations about my survival rate and if I am remission. I guess that will come up in my follow-up session after radiotherapy. I am technically tumour free and the radiotherapy kills off any existing cancer friendly cells to prevent cancer from coming back. It all looks good and my young age is also a plus. So there are lots of reasons to think I will have a rosy future but it's always good to express these things. 

No side effects

I am halfway through my radiotherapy treatment and it is going very well. I've not felt any side effects so far though I started to get a little tired last week. But that might have been because I was going out quite a bit. I hope this 'normal' feeling carries on!

So blessed

I went to a make up workshop today run by the Look Good Feel Better charity. The charity runs these workshops worldwide to combat and support women in the visible side effects of cancer treatment. It was so much fun! Two hours of learning about how to apply make up properly and getting to know other women who were in various stages of treatment. Also I didn't realise that we got to take home the products with us! I felt so blessed! We each got a big bag of products that have been sponsored by big companies like Clinique, Lancôme, Olay, Estée Lauder, L'Oreal, etc. How wonderful! This is definitely the upside of having cancer. Being the recipient of lovely things!

More Hair

My hair is growing nicely and I think blacker than before, if that is even possible!

So Quick

The treatment sessions are so quick that it almost seems not worth making the trip into town for. Obviously I know I have to do it. My radiography team are Helen, Mike and Gordon. I will be seeing them every day for the next month and they will be seeing my boobs every day. I even have my own gown that I bring back and forth.

On the ceiling of the treatment room is a nice large picture of a sunny sky, dotted with colourful hot air balloons flying up into the sky. I thought that was very thoughtful of whoever designed the room so that us patients have something pleasant to look at every day.

Radiotherapy Started

My radiotherapy started today and it's not very exciting. I lie on the treatment table, the radiographers adjust my body to the exact position that was recorded in my planning session. Then a machine that is a bigger version of the light that is used when you go to the dentist, is positioned to one side of me and the treatment is given. And then the opposite side. There is no beam that I can see and I don't feel anything. The treatment is over in 10 minutes. However, the side effects are tiredness and sore skin. The radiographers tell me that I probably will start to feel tired after a week/10 days of treatment.

It is funny how it is now very normal to strip in front of perfect strangers on my medical visits. And they don't bat an eyelid. They've seen it all before.

Hair Update

My hair is growing really well and hopefully I should be able to take off my hats and head scarves in public soon. 

I had my radiotherapy treatment planning appointment on Friday and I am starting treatment on the 16th, every day for 3 - 4 weeks. 

Radiotherapy Doctor appointment

Went to see the radiotherapy doctor today and I think she was just making sure that I knew what was coming up. She didn't give me anymore information than I already knew so now it's another wait of two or three weeks to actually meet with the radiotherapy team to prepare me for the treatment. And then the actual treatment is two or three weeks after that!

I've been cycling three times a week these past few weeks to strengthen my body. I think I may have to make it less frequent as I was quite tired this morning and I don't really know why. I think I need to slowly build up. And I have started a church course on Weds evenings and a creative writing course on Monday evenings. It's all very fun and gives me the opportunity to develop myself and try new things. These new interests also gives me a focus in my very free time, otherwise I am very susceptible to doing activities that require spending money! Only the creative course costs me ££.

My hair is starting to grow back!

Younger Women Breast Cancer Support Group

I went along to a support group tonight for women under the age of 45. It was very interesting and it felt good to chat with other women who had the same condition as me. It was a very small group of six women. Three were going through treatment, one was post treatment for breast cancer but at risk of ovarian cancer and the oldest woman who perhaps was in her 40s had breast cancer 20 years ago. It was so fascinating to hear how each woman's treatment plan was different and specific to each unique diagnosis, though we all shared the same condition. Three women had mastectomies straightaway; one did not have chemo; one did not have radiotherapy. Two of the women had also  undergone reconstructive surgery and I was amazed to find out that in both their cases part of their stomach had been used to do the reconstruction! Essentially they also got a tummy tuck in the process! Amazing what modern medicine can do nowadays! Their stomach and the surrounding areas still work as before and their boobs do feel like boobs!

One lady who was living out in Beijing had discovered her illness and has flown back to the UK to receive treatment. Small world that it is, she and her family had lived in Hong Kong before Beijing due to her husband's job and her son was born there.

One lady is still on her journey with cancer even though it has been four years on since. Laura discovered she had breast cancer when she was pregnant and had had her 20 week scan. She underwent a mastectomy whilst she was pregnant but had to wait till the birth of her daughter before undergoing chemotherapy. And even then she had to have an early caesarean so that she could begin chemo. She's since had a fertility test which has informed her that she is infertile, and also now she has discovered that she has a 40% - 60% chance of having ovarian cancer and so has decided to remove her ovaries! My heart went out to her. Thank God she has a daughter.

It was really good to chat to these women, to share the upheaval of having such a serious illness, to learn about how they have made decisions about their treatment and how they have managed the rest of their lives during their journeys. Whilst I knew that I was not alone, this was the first time that I had met other women who specifically had my type of cancer and it's comforting to know there are others going through what I am going through.

Margins Clear!

I am so happy! The doc said that my margins from the latest operation are clear of cancer cells! Hooray! That means no more surgery and I can move onto the next stage of my treatment. I was really dreading bad news when I was going in there, but what wonderful news instead! Phew. Thank you Father for you are a good and gracious God! I have an appointment with the radiotherapy dept in mid Sept to plan my radiotherapy treatment so this blog may become a big sparse till then. I was hoping to update everyone with how I have been spending my days, but I haven't settled into a routine yet as one-off events keep popping up (my parents' business sale and the additional op). But my days are beginning to settle down. I recently wrote down a list of things I should be focusing on, and these were bible study, improving my fitness, chinese studies, improving my cooking and learning creative writing. This sounds like a lot, but it's not. I'm not intending to do all of these every day, but one or two but having a list is good so I am not aimless. 

I have been doing my chinese homework in preparation for the new academic year and I've also ordered some cookery books. I've also been on a creative writing workshop which was very fun, and I've just bought a new bike so I am making progress with my goals. I am very excited about my new bike arriving as I am a very active person and have despaired that I have been unable to work out much this year (understandably). So I am looking forward to getting back out into the open air and letting off some steam!

Thank God for today's outcome. I feel like I have been told that I can pass!

Results of surgery appointment

Whoops. Forgot to let you all know that I will be seeing my breast care doctor today to get the results of the operation. Some of you will read/get this too late, but if in it time please pray that they got all the tissue with the cancer cells and I can proceed with the radiotherapy. My appointment is at 2:45pm.

Doing well

Mum and dad picked me from hospital yesterday and we spent much of the morning in B&Q! They wanted to buy stuff and I wanted to stretch my legs. I am not feeling any pain now as I am taking painkillers. I took a nap in the afternoon and had a relaxing dinner with my parents. 

Recovering

I am out, have had my dinner, watched a bit of TV and am about to go to bed. I have a little bit of pain but it's tolerable. The operation was quicker this time with me in the theatre for half an hour. Mum waited for me the whole time and is back home now. She and my dad will pick me up tomorrow morning when they discharge me. 

I have my own room with TV and own bathroom! 

Second Time Lucky

I am in the waiting room of the private hospital about to check in. I ran into a friend of a friend on Sunday who is a surgeon and her last rotation was as a breast surgeon. She said that my operation was very common and not risky at all, which really reassured me. I am just praying that they get the last of the cancer cells this time and I can move on with my treatment. My operation is sometime between 6pm - 9pm (GMT), please pray that it is successful!

Good Progress

My eyelid check up went well. The doc was pleased with my progress. He told me to finish the course of antibiotics, keep my eyelids clean and to not wear contact lenses until things have settled down. Good, good, good. I just wish my eyelashes would hurry up and grow back. I miss them. I can really tell the difference now that I don't have many of them left. I am more susceptible to dirt and things going into my eyes.

My breast care doctor also rang to tell me that my surgery is next Tuesday (19th). It'll be at a private hospital this time as he couldn't find a surgery space at a NHS hospital for me for the next month. And I need it soon for the radiotherapy to progress. The surgery will be in the evening so I will need to stay overnight. He was keen to emphasise that they wouldn't be taking very much from me. Good, there's not much of me to take.

Here I am looking very healthy with my brother, enjoying the Bristol Balloon Fiesta:

Not as bad as I thought

Saw the doc today. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Best practise is that they normally like to have 2mm of healthy tissue around the tumour when it is cut out. They only got 1mm from me on the one side of the tumour, so they are going to take 1mm more from that side. It's a bit technical because it's not just about getting a healthy margin around the tumour, it is also because they found dormant cancer cells on that side which could grow. He doesn't know when the surgery will be yet and will notify me when he has scheduled it, but it will be soon.

Over the weekend when I had given it more thought, I had guessed that it wasn't going to be a mastectomy as you can't suddenly go from a 12mm lumpectomy to a complete mastectomy. I was very relieved for them to confirm this.

Eyelid check up tomorrow. The medical stuff just never ends!

Follow this blog by email

As you know, I want you my friend to follow my journey with cancer because I believe that you love and care for me, and because I value your support and prayers. And to make it easier for you to follow this blog, I wanted to point out that you can follow it by email instead of having to go to this blog every so often. There is a 'Follow by Email' box on the right hand side of the Home page where you can submit your email address. Thereafter whenever I write a new post onto this blog, you will be sent it automatically. Voila! So no more checking when I haven't posted or missing lots of posts whenever lots has happened.

But don't forget to keep leaving your encouragement in the comments box on the actual blog now and again so I know you guys are still with me!

A gold star for you clever people who are using this function already!

More surgery needed

The test from the lab came back saying that not all of my cancerous cells were cut out. They found cancerous cells in the margin around the tumour. Which means that I will need to go back for more surgery. I am really fed up of this now. I just want it to be over. My breast care nurse was not able to tell me how much more they would take so I got upset when she implied that it might be my whole breast. Medical staff really should stop implying things like that when they don't know. It scares people. Unfortunately by the time of my appointment, she hadn't been able to get hold of my doctor and my results had been received today. I have to go back to see him on Monday.

My general feeling is that I am feeling delicate - emotionally, mentally and psychologically. It's been such an upheaval to deal with what each stage of treatment brings; accepting that I may become infertile with chemo, psyching myself up for and dealing with the side effects of the chemo, undergoing surgery for various things as well as managing work and trying to still have a normal life.

The best thing about today was that our shop exchanged and completed this morning. Hooray! My parents are at last retired and can take it easy. Even though we were scheduled to complete today, I expected it to be delayed. So I was pleasantly surprised when it was all completed by midday this morning.

I also went out with a some friends to see 'Singing in the Rain' at the Hippodrome this evening, which was perfect. It took my mind of my bad news. It was a good distraction. It'll be alright. This is just a setback. Just need to wait till Monday to find out what the situation is.

In the meantime I will look forward to going to the the Balloon Fiesta tomorrow with my entire family. 

Very good very good

I am doing very well indeed. I have had very little pain and just feel very normal really. But I am just very careful not to pick up heavy objects. 

Since the beginning of my sick leave, I have been watching the Commonwealth Games, which have been brilliant for the home nations. Also this week my parents have been preparing to move out of the takeaway business that they have ran for 31 years as they have sold it on. It's been a very busy and mad time, as my parents haven't realised just how much stuff they have (most people don't), and it wasn't till we started packing (5 days before we are supposed to vacate the place) that the reality dawned on them. I haven't really been able to partake in the packing and moving due to my operation so I have been looking after my brother's children so he and my sister-in-law could help. And we drafted in friends to also help us, and one of them told me in amazement how she had moved three hi-fi systems into the garage! My brother and I view my parents like a very broad supermarket as they normally have anything that we ever need for our lives. We have learnt not to buy anything until we have asked them first, because 9.5 times out of 10 they have it. They even had a spare bread machine when I asked them! Part of their excuse is that they both come from poor backgrounds so they don't like throwing things away, and like to accumulate as they never want to run out. This mentality has made them into mild hoarders!

I have a hospital visit this Thursday to get the results from my surgery, and also to discuss dates for my upcoming radiotherapy treatment.

Doing well

I took the mummy wrapping off on Saturday, and whilst I experienced momentary shock at seeing my scarring, I have felt little pain. I have been taking painkillers these two days as advised and I have felt very normal. I am being careful with avoiding lifting heavy objects though in case of tearing.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my sick leave and it will be interesting to see what I get up to, to fill my days. The Commonwealth Games is on at the moment so I will be watching that mostly at my parents' place (I don't have a TV license so can't watch live events at my flat), but I will be taking it easy and vaguely achieve a few things in the week as well as resting.

Lumpectomy

My lumpectomy surgery went smoothly with no problems. I went into theatre at 9:30am but I don't actually know how long the operation took. I know that I slept a lot after I came to and they monitored me for a little bit before I ate something and went to the loo. So by the time we actually left it was 3pm. I don't think the operation took more than 30 minutes.

I really don't like going under general anaesthetic, because of the feeling of powerlessness but there is really no choice when you're going in for an operation. I just don't like it. This is my third operation under general anaesthetic this year and I hope it will be my last, for this year anyway.

The surgeon is confident that he got the tumour and they also take a circle of healthy tissue around it. It all gets set off to a lab for checking. I get the results in a couple of weeks' time. The doctors and nurses were all very kind and attentive. Thank you NHS.

My chest has been bandaged up like a mummy. I can take it off tomorrow. I am back home now and I am beginning to feel the soreness where they operated. I am taking painkillers.

Thank you God for my surgery and thank you that there were no problems. Amen.

Eyelid op went well

So I totally thought it was going to be a quick go in, have the op and be able to be finished within two hours type thing. But it was a proper operation. I seem to be quite unprepared each time I have an operation. I remember I thought the same thing when I had my picc line inserted.

Like all proper operations, all the patients were called in for first thing in the morning and then when everyone was settled the surgeons then schedule the urgent ones first, followed by the not so urgent ones. Also like proper operations, there was a theatre, an operating table and lots of doctors and nurses in gowns peering down at me. I don't know why I thought it was going to be a small deal.

Anyway it is probably a good thing because it wasn't until I got into the theatre that I became a little scared. And especially because they were working in my eye area, which is an essential part of my body! And it occurred to me, whilst I was lying there - how vulnerable I was. I was literally in their hands. I was at the mercy and/or the beneficiary of their experience and skills. Scary.

It is very strange having an operation on your face because I couldn't feel the top half of it, due to the local anaesthetic. Medical science is just amazing. They were able to numb my face, invert my eyelids and get the mucus out with me being awake and not feeling a thing! Amazing.

I left the hospital as pictured earlier with my mum as my guide dog. You really can't judge distance with just one eye so it was a new experience trying to walk round with only one eye. I walked into things. I was able to take off the bandage this evening. I actually look pretty much the same as the eyelids are now swollen instead of having cysts. They should go down in the next few days though and hopefully back to normal.

It's been a mad few days. I haven't blogged about it but my parents are in the midst of selling Nick's house, buying another one and selling the shop. And I have been helping them in liaising with the estate agents and solicitors. So in the midst of having an unexpected minor operation, wrapping up work and preparing for a major-ish operation, I've also been chasing estate agents and solicitors and arranging necessary paperwork for the sale. I was able to sort out a few things whilst I was in the waiting room as I had my iPhone, but when it came to my turn they had to tell me to get off the phone to go in for my op! I like multi-tasking, but it has been slightly crazy. The two houses are completing tomorrow and I am off work now so it will be less manic very soon.

I go in tomorrow for the lumpectomy at 7am, but will probably be operated on between 9am - 11am. Please think of/pray for me around those times. xx

One Eye Pirate

Operation over and back home!

I'll blog more about this later. I'm sleepy, but I just wanted to post up what I look like. 

Eyelid Operation

I went in for a check up at the eye hospital today and the doctor said that he was recommending a minor eyelid operation to drain the cysts in my lower eyelids of the rest of the mucus that were there. There is a cancellation in the surgery schedule tomorrow and I have been booked in! That brought my sick leave earlier by a day. My head went into a slight spin as I headed back to the office to wrap up by the end of the day to not return for the next 5 months! A day shouldn't really make a difference, but I was psychologically prepared to have one more day to finish and say goodbye. When I got back I just put down my head and stormed through my to do list. I did well and managed to complete everything by 5pm. Sometimes there is nothing like a tight deadline to focus the mind. Also most of my colleagues weren't in the office so it was a shame that I wasn't able to say goodbye. Though it's not a real goodbye as I'll see most of them again in just over a week's time when I come back for the project leaders' meetings. But it will just have been good to mark the shift in how I will work with them from now on as I won't really be around anymore.

And I have the beginnings of a cold so I called my surgeon to make sure that my Friday operation can go ahead. He told me to get some antibiotics from my GP, but the antibiotics for my eye infection are good enough so I don't need more.

My medical journey is certainly very eventful and surprising!

Doing good

My eyes have been steadily improving with the new antibiotics. They are still slightly puffy, but no longer painful. This is what I look like now:

I have a check up eye appointment on Weds and my lumpectomy is on Friday! I feel alright about it. I am not scared. I just want to get it over and done with.

Also I am going on sick leave from Friday until the rest of the year. I blurted out in a leaders' meeting about a month ago that it didn't work with me being regularly absent from work. That it was probably better if I stepped away so that the charity could employ someone to consistently work at bringing in the income. This was agreed. I am actually pleased because I am tired on more than one level. It'll be good for me to step away and not have such a big responsibility whilst I go through the rest of my treatment. It'll be good to have the mental space to recover too. But I don't want to do nothing either so I am lining up a few courses, and I want to set a few goals for myself. Like getting my fitness back up and cooking a few new recipes. It's going to be weird to not be working for 5 months. Though I suppose I will be ill for most of it. After my op, I will also be going through radiotherapy 4-6 weeks afterwards for 5 weeks every day. I am told to expect tiredness. Again.

Some improvement

I think my eye bags are going down. They are not as tender and painful as before and the eye ointment is definitely working. My eyes are less watery than before. The skin around my eyes are still dry throughout the day and stresses my face, which in turn makes me tired. I continue to nap halfway through the day which also means that I am sleeping very late at night. I managed to squeeze some pus out of my left eye bag last night! This must be progress. 

It is strange being unwell like this. The rest of me is fine except my eyes and face. Because I get tired I have to lie down a lot. Sometimes I sleep sometimes I don't. But it's just to rest. And then other times when I have put the eye ointment in, my vision becomes blurred for maybe up to an hour 3 times a day. So I have frequent times in my day when I am lying down but not sleeping or when I can't see. In these times I either listen to the radio or audiobooks. It's a much slower existence than I am used to!

I just compared today's photo with the photo from two days ago and there is a visible reduction. Hooray. I just wish the medicine would work faster! This is what I look like today:

New medication

I was referred to the eye hospital by my GP as I had reached the end of their medical expertise. I whizzed into town straight after my doctor's appointment as I was very keen to get this eye condition sorted as I have had some kind of eye-related condition for 3 weeks now and it's annoying. I was seen very quickly in the A&E department. The doctor says that the chemo has been playing havoc with my hormones and my eye glands are now blocked. He even said that he was impressed with how pronounced the eye bags were! That word is normally a good word but not in that sentence and it made me laugh. I now have new eye ointment and new antibiotics so hopefully they will do the trick. I am back home and have put the eye ointment in and they are immediately working. The watering has stopped though it has blurred my vision! You can't have everything! Let's hope this is the beginning of the end of this horrible condition!

Same again

This is what I look like after 3 days of antibiotics. No improvement. I think it has even got worse. There is now tiny white spots on the eye bags. I am going back to the doc today. I look hideous!

Same

I woke up today hoping that the swelling would have gone down a little, but alas no. I think it even looks a little worse. I look like I've been beaten up. I hope the antibiotics kick in soon. 

I am miserable

My eyes have got worse. They continue to bulge and are painful to touch. They continue to water and it just feels like I've been punched in the face or have been stung. My face feels very stressed and tender. I had to miss a wedding yesterday because I just didn't feel up to it. I went back to the doctor in the morning and he says that I have an infection in my lower eyelids. I've been put on a course of antibiotics to get rid of it. Today is the second day of taking them and I am not feeling the effects yet. Please God, give me relief soon! This is what I look like. Not pretty. 

Doing alright

My eyes continued to swell and stream this week. And they were bulging under the eyes like Uncle Fester in the Addams Family. They were bothering me so much that I went to the doctor's on Friday. I got prescribed some antibiotic cream which are already working. Phew. It's just one thing after another with my physical symptoms, isn't it? I never know what I am going to have.

I also discovered that my bike got stolen! I went to get my water meter reading and it's stored in the same room and it was gone! First of all, I thought it was one of my neighbours because it is a code-accessed room for residents. But when the police came round they could see that someone had leveraged the door to get in. I am so bummed because it was a great bike, and also because it's now going to be a pain to find another to fit me. I am so short that average bikes don't fit. I may buy a child's bike. Honestly, people will steal anything. It was a very old bike and small. I suppose this gives me the opportunity to find the right size bike for me.

Bit rough

Have been feeling a bit rough today. Generally quite tired without having done much and I have some swelling underneath my eyes, which is quite tender. And also the horrible metallic taste in my mouth. Blah. 

Reaction so far

So far so good. I was able to go to a worship evening yesterday at church. Today I have started to get tired easily again. Had to take a nap in the day and my taste buds have started to change again. I don't think I have mentioned this before. Around day 3, my taste buds change drastically. Water tastes horrible and metallic in taste. A cup of tea also tastes horrible. I can't taste a lot of my foods and I crave quite strong tasting foods. It also means that I don't want to eat much because food doesn't taste of anything to me. This lasts for about a week and then around week 2 after chemo, my taste buds go back to normal and I want to eat food again. Please keep praying/thinking of me to not have any bad side effects this time. Last one, I am hoping to just sail through it.

Went ok

No funny reaction today! It all went smoothly. And my picc line was taken out. Yeah! No more tube in my arm that I have to be careful to not get wet in the shower. Phew.

And I am home now and I feel very normal!

Looking forward.....

I am so happy that this is my last chemo session. As much as the care from the nurses have been great, I will not miss the chemo area with all the patients sat round hooked up to machines and the equipment all beeping away. It all just says sickness. I am sat here now waiting for my last session. 

I am looking to getting past all the weird drugged up feelings too. A few more weeks and I will be normal again. 

Last bout of chemo

Last lot of chemo this Friday. Hooray. The end is near.

I think I may have conjunctivitis too, though I am not 100% sure. I have seen 3 doctors and 2 of them say it is, the other says that my watery eyes is a side effect of my treatment. And a nurse has said that it's probably a side effect. I don't know who to believe! Though it doesn't matter, it's just annoying. I am wiping my eyes most of the day and it looks like I am crying all the time. Because of all the water and wiping, my eyes are getting tired very easily so I want to close them a lot. I am trying every method I know to get rid of it. Eye drops, saturating cotton wool with cooled boiled water with salt, same thing again, but with cooled camomile tea and putting cucumber slices on my eyelids every so often. I'm not sure if anything is working. They are just streaming all the time. It also might be hay fever as I know that the pollen count was high recently. Who knows. All I know that if it is a side effect then I may be like this for a few more weeks yet!

Also I have just arranged with work to go on sick leave. I find it very unproductive to be off work so regularly. I am unable to achieve a lot and it's not good for the organisation. They will get someone else in to do my work whilst I am off. My sick leave will begin from the day of my surgery until the end of my treatments, which is for at least 3 months if not 4 months. I will be paid full pay for some of the time I am off and half pay for the rest. I hadn't realised that I was able to do this, and thought that I would at least would need to go part time to maintain income coming in. I am relieved to know that I have the option to just be fully on sick leave as I am not just tired physically. I am also mentally tired from trying to keep up a work life in between being sick. I am psychologically tired as a lot has happened to my family this year so far, and I am struggling to process it all. And I am sure that I am probably tired in other subconscious ways that I am not aware of, but still feel. Work has also been emotionally taxing, because we are going through massive management changes. And whenever things of this magnitude happens in a company, inevitably there is confusion, lack of clarity of changes and staff uneasiness. It has been really tough coming into work these last few months, and it can't be good my health.

I am looking forward to just stepping away and concentrating on getting better. 

Good news!

It was my birthday yesterday and I had to go in for an important leaders' meeting in the morning but then I went for a birthday lunch of Moraccan lamb with my parents and brother. 

Then I went to see my breast care doctor. He gave me the best birthday present ever. He told me that by his assessment, the chemo has shrunk 40% of the cancerous lump!! Thank God! He even used the word 'tiny.' It's a tiny lump now. Tiny. Tiny! It used to be a 2cm lump but now it is 12mm!! That IS tiny! Now some of you may be thinking - the original lump of 2cm doesn't sound that big either. But it's in relation to me. I'm a petite lady and so therefore my boobs aren't that big either and a 2cm width lump with depth and being in the smack bang middle of my right breast was significant enough for them to speculate that I may have to have a mastectomy. When the doctor first said that word a few months I was horrified. But no need now! No M word for me!!!! Hooray!

I am going for a MRI scan tomorrow for the medics to assess more deeply the effect of the chemo. I am scheduled for surgery on 25 July and then I will also have radiotherapy 4 - 6 weeks every day for 5 weeks.

This is a very good result and I am over the moon. Thank you God for you are good!

Checking in with my Breast Care Doctor

As I am coming to the end of my chemo treatments, I am seeing my doctor tomorrow to discuss the next stage of treatment - surgery and radiotherapy. Though currently I don't know in what order. It is quite frustrating to have the whole of 2014 mapped out and dominated by different types of treatments. It's makes planning very difficult. I feel like I am in an invisible waiting room, not allowed to go out and play. However I am thankful that the losing of my hair has happened in the summer when it is not so cold. I have started to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes too. My lower eyelashes have nearly all dropped out. Very bizarre. I should hopefully have some hair back by the autumn!

Please pray that the chemo will have shrunk the cancerous lump in my body and that therefore that if they are going to operate on me that they will not have to take too much from me.

Still doing well

Relatively speaking, I am doing well. I started to feel some side effects yesterday. Achy bones, fatigue and my taste buds being off. But these are not too bad as I could be worse. I am benefiting from your thoughts and prayers. Thank you. Let's see how the rest of the week goes!

5th chemo better than last time

Had my chemo yesterday. This time the chemo going in wasn't as bad as last time. I still had a funny reaction where I went very red from my chest to the top of my head and the nurses and doctor stopped the treatment. Again they waited for half an hour before restarting again at a slower rate. 

But unlike last time it was alright going in. Last time the pre-medication made me so drowsy that the whole time the treatment was going in, I felt so uncomfortable and wanting to sleep but couldn't get comfortable on the lazy chair because it didn't lie flat. But this time I was ok to sit up whilst the treatment was being fed in. 

Today I felt fine and went to a farm day with Kalun and Nuri. We had a great time! The sun was out and there were animals to see and lots of activities for Nuri to do. He was quite hungry when we came home as he had been running around seeing things and playing. After dinner I started to feel tired so I am off to bed already! It was a good day. 

5th chemo

Penultimate cycle of chemo this Friday. I'm dreading it especially after what happened last time. I went to see my chemo doc today and told her what happened and she is prescribing strong painkillers for me. This is giving me some hope that it will be more bearable this time. 

I really shouldn't......

I cycled into work today. The ride was fine, but when I got to work and carried my bike up the stairs I got quite dizzy. And then it felt like a struggle on the way home. I think I need to not ride to work whilst I am on chemo. It's too far. It's 20 mins. When I was fit and well it was a breeze, but not now. I can manage going to my parents' place which is 5 mins' bike ride away but not to work. It's taking too much out of me. 

I really want to do more aerobic exercise other than walking as I am putting on weight. But I guess I am going to have to wait till I am a bit better to exercise more strenuously.

How I am doing other than the physical

I scrolled through my blog and I realised that I have been mainly talking about the physical impact that my illness and treatment have been having on me, and not really much about how it has all been affecting me in other ways. I am going to try and share this with you.

Spiritually, my faith has grown stronger through this, because I see God providing me with everything that I need, to go through whatever I need to for it all to be ok. There are so many factors and aspects of my life that are just so coincidental and for this time that I cannot attribute it to anything other than God. I am so thankful that I am back in the UK when I had discovered my illness because it would have been way more disruptive to have moved back from Hong Kong if the discovery had been made over there. In connection to this I am so thankful that I get to be a very grateful recipient of the NHS system as it would have costed thousands of pounds/dollars otherwise. The week before my diagnosis I moved to my own flat, had the diagnosis been earlier my parents may have persuaded me from moving out, and I myself may have thought twice about it. As it is, my flat has become a haven in my bad days. The location of my flat is also wonderfully ideal as it is near my parents, brother and sister-in-law, who are an essential support for me. I am also part of a wonderful home group and pastorate group where I live, who have given me so much support of every kind. My work have also been very generous in their reaction to my illness and very understanding with how much time I need to have off. Also having a job has also been very therapeutic in itself as it helps me to not dwell on my illness, and gives me the opportunity to use my skills and talents for the benefit of others in-between my treatment sessions.

In recognising that God has provided all this for me, also leads me to acknowledge that all this came about by my brother's sudden death that brought me back from Hong Kong. This obviously confronts me with the unwelcome realisation that his death is part of a greater plan. Before I found out about my illness, I believe and still believe that God took Nick for reasons that I will never know. But when I came back I saw so many people affected by his death that I could see that his death served a greater purpose. I am just grateful that Nick wasn't too long in this life without God's love.

My illness has made me think about death. I didn't before. I used to think that I wouldn't mind dying, that I wouldn't care either way. But I have realised that I don't want to die. I want to live longer and have a greater impact here in this life to make it count that I lived. It has also made me wonder about how much longer I will live. I do not for one second believe I will die from cancer. I caught it at stage 1 and breast cancer is very treatable, but having cancer potentially shortens my longevity. This frightens me a little. I do not want to die before my parents or brother as I am the youngest now. That would be the wrong order of things.

My illness has also made me appreciate the here and now more. I am used to planning my life into the next few months and couple of years, so it is very disconcerting to have 2014 mapped out for my me with my treatments. But I have no other choice than to accept it and live each week as it comes. I am unable to plan very far ahead as I do not know what my health will be like on any given day, which prevents me from living in the future. One of my greatest skills is planning and organisation, but with that comes the tendency of living in the future and not being present. Living this way is very different for me. And difficult. But I am trying to get used to it and sometimes I appreciate it.

I don't feel very brave as friends have told me I am. I find it easy to get on with things when I have no choice. Because it takes out any decision-making on my part and just requires my compliance. And I would rather get on with things as positive as possible, because in the main positivity sparks positivity so if I can encourage positivity that can only be a good thing!

Had a good night's sleep

Apart from a coughing fit, I managed to sleep all the way through last night without any pain. Hooray! I am definitely getting better!

I also have a very strange side effect where my taste buds are changing! Water tastes horrible to me and I can barely taste any of my food! I have to have quite strong tasting food to be able to taste it. My mouth feels like when you accidentally burn your tongue, but it's all around my mouth.

Today is a cold and rainy day here in Bristol. I am going to stay indoors and research companies that would be good for Kalun to work for. His doesn't treat him very well. I don't accept that for my brother!

Turning a corner

I think I am getting better. Last night as I was getting ready for bed I started to feel pain around my middle again but it wasn't as bad as before so I applied a hot water bottle onto it. It was a couple of hours till I was able to fall asleep. But really not as bad as the other nights when I was just lying in bed in pain for hours. I've slept through most of the night. Progress!

I've woken up this morning a little more refreshed and normal. I am going to take it easy. I took three short walks yesterday around where I live and I think they help with my physical wellbeing but also to see other things and to know that there is a world beyond my flat! It helps to try and get out of an ill mindset. I am going to try and get walks into my day. 

I hope I am turning a corner!

Bad night, good day

Last night was similar to the one before. Half of it in pain and the other half dozing off.

I struggled to get going with my day, waking up in pain and just wanting to lie back down. I watched a bit of tv and then made lunch. After lunch I had a little nap and then made myself go out for a walk. My body was still uncomfortable and my eyes were beginning to hurt so I figured it was probably better that I tried to go out for a little walk, change my environment and walk off my lunch to minimise the uncomfortableness around my stomach. Whilst I was out, I received a surprise call from my friend Will in Hong Kong asking how I was doing. Lovely! I stopped off in a park to take the call and by the time we had hung up and I was heading back home I was feeling less bloated. I had a little nap before dinner and then went out for a short evening walk after dinner to again walk off my dinner and relax for the evening.

I am optimistic for tonight's sleep as this is the first time for quite some days that I have been able to sit up on my laptop to type this. The rest of the time the fluid build up around my middle has been too uncomfortable and I have been typing on my phone or iPad. I am praying that I will just fall into a deep sleep until morning. Amen.

Struggling

I am sick.......I am sick......and it is very very boring! Yesterday I started experiencing achyness all over my body and it got excruciating. It's like a tightness all over my body especially my stomach area, my face and my jaw. And it's all the time. My stomach feels like it is full and bloated so I don't want to eat or drink, and when I do eat a little something it's quite painful. I spent half the night in pain and not comfortable in any position, the other half I was able to doze off. This is by far the worst so far.

It's a little better when I stand, but then I can't stand for long as I feel weak and wobbly.

Please pray and lift up your thoughts for me. Please pray for the pain to leave my body and for me to have relief.

Much better today

I think most of my suffering yesterday was due to the drowsy pre-meds. Today was much better as it had worn off. I was able to go out with my brother's family to a second hand baby stuff sale and lunch. I am told that the tiredness and achyness from the chemo will start in 2-3 days' time but so far so good! 

Not so good a chemo session

Uh. I didn't have so smooth of a chemo session this time. The drugs changed because I am halfway through and I had quite a violent reaction to it. When it started going in, I felt overwhelmed, hot and wanting to throw up. The nurse immediately stopped the treatment and the doctor came. They have me more anti sickness meds and gave the meds half an hour to take effect and then started again at a slower rate. It was better the second time round. But the anti sickness meds made me so drowsy. Quite uncomfortable and I just felt so sleepy! And because then the drugs had to go slow, it took 2.5 hours instead of an hour!

I got home and immediately went to sleep and didn't get up till 1030pm!! I had some dinner and went back to sleep again. I am again grateful for my quiet and peaceful flat to recover in. Thank you God. 

Fourth chemo session on Friday

It's the 4th one on Friday. The drugs are changing to just one drug. I can expect to be more tired (great) and achy as well as the other many potential side effects. It'll be fine because I have God and all you guys are thinking and praying for me!

Back to normal

I was able to go back to work yesterday. Hooray! I woke up on Saturday and felt more normal. It is so weird how I do just wake up one morning feeling normal again. I have also learnt from my friend who had lymphoma a few years ago, that the phrase 'chemo brain' is actually a medical term! And that is what it feels like. It feels like I have a different brain or in a mental fog when the chemotherapy is doing its thing in my body. Very strange!

I was surprised to realise that I have another session next Friday. The intervals between the sessions are getting shorter because my recovery times are getting longer. 

Up and down

Since my last post I have been up and down. My pattern has been to get up, have breakfast and then lie back down again! Then I'll do something in the day and then have to lie down again later! It is so infuriating how little I can do before getting tired. 

I went in for a work meeting this morning and it gave me a headache so I came home afterwards. I made lunch, laid down and then was better by late afternoon! Annoying, annoying, annoying. As my friend Esther says, I need to be kind to myself, listen to my body and not push myself and to remember that it is only for a time. Easy to say, hard to do!

The side effects are lengthening too. Today is day 8 after my chemo session and I still haven't been able to go back to work. After my first session I was back at work on day 6. It's a good thing the weekend has come round again and there is a bank holiday so I have an extra 3 days before I need to return to work. 

But I am doing ok. Mum continues to stay with me to look after me and it is a blessing in disguise to spend so much time with her. I am so blessed to have such a loving mum. 

Better today

I am much better today. So weird how just suddenly one day, days after the chemo the side effects begin to wear off and I begin to feel better. I guess it's to be expected. Basically chemotherapy is poison being put into my body at regular intervals and my body will have reactions to it, because neither the healthy or damaged cells want it. So there is a down time when my body is being attacked and then there is an up time when the poison is being purged.

I was able to go out to do some shopping with my parents and Nuri today. I spent much of the time sitting in the car or sat down so I did ok. Then I went back to my parents' house and had dinner with them and my brother, sister-in-law and nephews and a cousin. I am still easily tired and still have heart palpitations but less so than before. I have also noticed that I am quite shaky this time. Either because I feel cold because my immune system is down or because I continue to lose hair.

Here I am with no hair, holding my nephew Hajin:

A little shaky

Bit of a mixed day today. Vomited in the morning but nothing came up as I hadn't eaten anything when the retching began. Had breakfast and my lovely friend Ruth took me out to a nearby cafe for a cup of tea. I only spent an hour with her and it tired me out and I became shaky. Then I went back to my flat to have a small rest then came back out to the same cafe to meet my financial adviser for lunch. I perked up then not sure why, maybe it was because I had more food? Then my parents came over to see me and that was nice. Mum went out in the late afternoon to her doctor's appointment. I was determined to have achieved something with my day so I played a couple of stretching exercise videos via YouTube on my TV to get me moving. That was good for my body but by the time I got to dinner, I was shaky and my heart was beating very fast. 

So not a bad day just small side effects that I just need to bear through. 

Tired, tired, tired

I had two naps today. I am turning into a baby. The simplest tasks tire me out. I got up and had breakfast, did my bathroom routine and got dressed and then napped on the sofa! I went for lunch with my brother's family and got tired towards the end, and then had to nap at our friends' house who we were visiting. 

It's a weird tired too. I look healthy and alert, but inside the energy is draining away. However, I am grateful that I have the freedom to be able to just put my head down and get some shut eye. 

Third chemo experience

It went alright though there is a particular drug that when it goes into me, I get a headache and I feel heavy and unpleasant. Afterwards I went to a Chinese lunch with my friend Chris and my mum. Later in the afternoon I went to my physio appointment for the nurse to check my mobility in my right arm where they took a lymph node. She was pleased with my progress as the pins and needles have disappeared and I am totally mobile in that arm and am not restricted in any way. 

By the time I got home at around 4pm I was pooped and went down for a little nap. 

I got up today at around 1030am, chatted to a friend on Skype, took my drugs and am already feeling I need another nap and it's only midday!

The tiredness is just all the time and I can do very little. I sometimes wonder if this is God's way of telling me to slow down and to enjoy the present more rather rushing headlong into the future. 

But I am doing ok.  Mum is looking after me and my gorgeous nephews are coming to see me this afternoon. 

I am off for the next week till Fri 2nd May, if you live in Bristol or are coming through come and visit me, especially in the day. It'll be lovely to have some company. 

Third cycle of chemo

Next round of chemo tomorrow. Please pray for me to not have worsening side effects. Grrrrr!

Headache gone

I got up on Saturday at midday and I still had my headache, but I thought 'No I am not spending another day in bed' and I started hoovering and the headache started to fade away. It's really showed me that you can apply your mind to override your body. The other thing with being ill is that it is very easy to give your permission to be sicker than you need to be. Because you have the label of a sick person, you could succumb to your illness rather than trying to get on with your life.

It's been a lovely long bank holiday weekend here in the UK. Today we took the kids to a small city farm in Bristol and we had a wonderful time. Here is Euna and I in the farm cafe having lunch. I have started to take my hat off in public as it gets hot sometimes up there!

Uhhhhhhhh!

I didn't manage to cycle to work for the rest of the week because I think that ride tired me out. I've been going to bed really early each night since.

And today I had a really chronic headache to the point where I have been in bed for most of the day, surfacing around 5pm!!

As annoying as it is, I am coming to the realisation that the chemo is affecting me in ways I wasn't prepared for. Not sure what I was prepared for. I have always been such an active person and it is very frustrating to not be able to carry on with my normal life. I wasn't able to go to a friend's birthday picnic today. Instead I am being laid up in bed like a sick person. Because unfortunately I am a sick person. Boohoo.

I am okay really. Please don't feel too sorry for me. I am just complaining. I still have lots of good things going on in my life. I love the fact that when I am sick I have my lovely little flat to recover in. Everything is on the same floor, which is very important when moving hurts your head so you need the bathroom or kitchen to be as close as possible. And it is lovely and quiet. No offence to where I was before, but there are no small children having tantrums or crying in the night. For those who don't know, I was living in my parents' house before with my brother's young family. And my parents are nearby to help me if I need them. And you my lovely friends are just gorgeous in your messages, gifts and prayers. I really feel your love.

And today is Good Friday, when Jesus was crucified on the cross for your and my sins. I am deeply grateful for this.

Cycled to work

I managed to cycle into work today, which I haven't managed to do since my diagnosis nearly two months ago! It didn't take any more energy than before and I don't feel any more breathless than normal which I am really pleased about. I want to try and keep my fitness levels up to counter out the weeks I am lying up after chemo. I have definitely put on weight since this whole thing has begun as lots of my trousers and skirts no longer need a belt to keep them up!

Some of you will have seen a shortened version of this post on Facebook and I wanted to explain my postings on this blog and FB.

I have not announced on Facebook that I have cancer because as you all know friends of friends are able to see posts and I wanted to restrict my news to my actual friends in real life. Facebook is too widespread to be able to be too personal with people one barely knows. So I am unlikely to refer to my having cancer on FB, (though maybe towards the end of treatments). But I love the fact that you guys understand what I am referring to when I post something like my delight in restarting cycling again, because I haven't been able to do it due to my health. 

Also the way I use this blog is as if I was chatting with you in real life and sharing what is going on with me so that you can be part of my journey. I am so comforted by the knowledge that I am not going through this alone, so it is important to me that I share with you in how I am doing. Please do share this blog address with people who are friends with me in real life and who would like to know how I am doing and who I maybe do not have an email address for. 

Returned to work

I felt much better yesterday so I returned to work today. I found two little presents on my desk from volunteers as get well gifts! So sweet! I was fine for most of the day, but at about 5pm I started to feel slightly light headed and tired so I went home! My workplace is very flexible.

Also the other day, I found a craft shop that also sold jewellery parts. I was so happy! I am very keen to not be mistaken for a boy with a bald head so I am determined to accessorise myself with big earrings. But I don't want to have to pay too much for them so when I found this shop I was overjoyed because now I can make as many earrings as I like! This is me after my shopping spree in the shop with the tools and jewellery parts that I need, and also three pairs of earrings I have already made. I am wearing one pair.

Nick's Birthday

Today is my brother's birthday. My gorgeous brother Nick passed away 2.5 years ago of a massive brain aneurysm that had no warning. Whilst time has allowed my family and I to accept his passing, special occasions like birthdays, Christmas and the date he passed away are still difficult.

And it is so easy to remember him with sadness, but I don't want to remember him like that. My brother was a blessing to me. We often fought because we were very different people, but we were committed to loving each other and that is what I most appreciate about Nick. He was very committed to me because I was his sister, and though it would frustrate him that we argued, we both also got a lot of joy and pleasure from the times when we did get along. Nick was a very independent person, always carving out his own path. He was strong and fragile that way.

Nick - I remember you today as my gorgeous brother and essential part of our family. I know you are with God now and I give thanks for this. We will always be a three, you, Kalun and I. Nothing will ever change that. I look forward to the day when I will see you again. I will love you always. Your sis.

Not so good today

I feel very strange today. Light headedness, feel spaced out, heart palpitations and just tired. I went into town to get more medication and by the time I came home I was quite tired from the trip.

Continuing to be fine

The weekend has gone by with not too many side effects. I am feeling nausea more this time and the feeling that I want to throw up, but I am taking my anti-sickness medicine so that is probably helping. I am getting heart palpitations now and again, which is slightly unsettling. But all in all still pretty good. Could be a lot worse.

I went to church today and went out to lunch with friends and my brother's family. I am not going to go to work tomorrow as I just want the nausea, tiredness and heart palpitations to settle down before going back. 

Better today

Today was a better day. In the main I was fine. Euna and the boys came over in the afternoon and I took Nuri to the park opposite my flat and browsed in some charity shops. I bought him a bag of cars which I will keep at my flat for when he comes over. My nephews are very gorgeous. Hajin is 7 weeks old now and getting big. Nuri is 2.5 years old and talking a lot. 

I had dinner with my family and I got tired after and now I am just back at my flat chilling out. No throwing up today. Hooray!

2nd chemo reaction

The picc line is much quicker and better to just get on with the whole chemo procedure rather needing the time to find a good vein. I was just hooked up to the syringes today and in the drugs went.

I became tired quicker this time round. By mid afternoon. Last time I didn't get tired till day 3 after the chemo session. And I vomited up my dinner. Not pleasant. I took my anti-sickness pills afterwards and waited half an hour before trying to eat again. It's stayed down and I'm ok now. Mum is looking after me very well. Am off to bed.

Little Robocop

So I now have a very thin tube line inserted into my left upper arm in a vein to just above my heart. A little tube sticks out from my upper arm ready for doctors/nurses to feed drugs into me or take blood. So amazing! I am a little way to being Robocop! How strange to have something in me that can be hooked up to something else! I also didn't realise that it was a proper medical procedure to insert it. Why I didn't know is now beyond me, because I read the leaflet and everything, and I knew where the line would be going and thinking back on it, it seems obvious now. But it was a proper lie down in an operating chair and they apply local anaesthetic to your arm to put something in you type thing. Thank God my friend Esther offered to come with me. It went smoothly and didn't hurt.

I also saw my chemo doctor in the afternoon. I fell asleep in the waiting room because I had to wait for two hours to see him. He was pleased to hear that I had had little side effects from the first cycle, and he said that it is an indication of what my next two will be like. The drugs change in two cycles' time. But that is good, at least I can expect hopefully to just be a bit tired in the next two cycles.

It is very interesting to see the other patients in the waiting room as many of the women have also shaved their heads or lost all of their hair. Two women were obviously wearing wigs as they hadn't put them on properly as they were kind of wonky. That's the other problem with wigs. You could look like you are wearing a wig because you haven't put it on right. I've been experimenting with head scarves at the moment and alternating between those and hats. I'm still not very used to just going bald as it still feels too cold.

Chemo and physio tomorrow.

Second cycle of chemo this week

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I am going to have my PICC line put in, which is a tube in a vein which will stay in for the rest of my treatment. This will be better for the intravenous feeding of the drugs into my body and will also be where they take my bloods each time. 

This Thursday is also my second session of chemotherapy so please pray that I will continue to have very few side effects.

My mum will be staying at my place again to look after me. She and my dad have been so great. Mum comes to my flat now and again, dropping off homemade juice packed full of healthy vitamins for me to drink. However, Dad has started to not sleep so well. Probably because he is worried for me and mum. Could you also lift him up in prayer as I need him to be ok. Thanks guys. 

Hello new look!

I did it, I shaved it all off......

The speed of the hair falling out got to a point where I had to vacuum the flat every day just not to be walking in hair! That is what ultimately decided it for me. The maintenance of the fallen out hair was just too much. It wasn't worth my time!

My brother, Kalun shaved it all off for me. It wasn't as bad as I thought as it would be. I had a little cry in the morning at the thought, but then when it came to it, I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be. As some of you guys said, it was empowering to be in control of when I got rid of my hair rather than having it happen to me and me being powerless to stop it. 

It is surprising how cold it is without hair! God gave us hair for insulation and warmth! He knew what He was doing! I've tried on my wig and it looks really close to my normal hairstyle and it is very warm. However, I think wigs are designed to hide the fact that the wearer doesn't have hair and therefore the hair hangs on both sides and moves in front of the face when you are moving and it is very annoying. There is no way of tucking them behind the ears because that is where the cap of the wig starts. I've been wearing hats so far, but it's kind of weird to wear hats indoors and never take them off.

Going bald was really not part of my life's plan but here I am. I am ok about it because I know it is only for a few months and I am so thankful that it's happening in Spring/Summer. Thank you God. 

Hair you go

It's beginning to happen. My hair is starting to fall out. Big Time. My hair has always fallen out onto the floor as part of its normal moulting process. But this is very different and a lot more. I was in the shower washing my hair and each time I took my hand away from my head, lots of hair would come away with it. To the point where it was like I was washing away my hair. I was quite distressed. In the beginning, I wasn't that bothered about losing my hair, but now that it is happening I'm quite upset. I think it is because I don't want to look like a cancer patient, I want to look normal. I don't want to look like I have an illness. 

So much fell out that my hair blocked the bath's plug hole. And then when I was drying my hair with a towel, more came out. There was hair everywhere! It took me as long to clean up the bathroom as it took me to have the shower! And then when I blew dry my hair, more came out! Surprisingly enough I look like I still have a head full of hair. 

I may shave it all off this weekend. It's just too distressing to watch it fall out bit by bit. And it's just all over everything. It's like living with a big cat except I'm the cat! 

Normal this week

I am back to normal this week, physically and work wise. The light headedness and tiredness has gone and I feel very normal. I've been working but just finishing early each day. 

There are no appointments this week. More next week and also the second cycle of chemo. 

Many people have asked me how I discovered the lump and it was during my shower routine that I noticed that there seemed to be a hard lump underneath the skin in one breast that was not present in the other. I made an appointment with my doctor to get it checked out and she referred me to the hospital. They did an ultrasound and a biopsy and a few days later I learnt of the diagnosis. 

The cancer is in stage 1 so I caught it early and it is hormone sensitive which I am told is a good thing. Don't know why.

So ladies (and gentlemen) it is worth checking yourselves now and again. And yes you gents too. Men can also have breast cancer. 

Doing good

The light headedness left and I've been feeling back to normal since yesterday. I am so pleased that I am doing really well. I am on my way to get a NHS wig made before my hair all falls out. I love our National Health Service. They really don't deserve the bad press they get. They really do look after people. 

Back at work

I returned to work today. I feel alright. A bit light headed and a little tired so I think I will just do shortened hours. 

Starting to feel a little tired

My boiler got replaced yesterday, praise God! Last night's shower was a treat! You sometimes really don't know what you take for granted until it's gone. It was a real answer to prayer, God knows what I need.

Today I woke up late because I did not sleep well and then went to Kalun's birthday party. My gorgeous brother is 38 today! You wouldn't know it by looking at him as he still dresses so casually. We had a good time with friends at a friends' house with my sister-in-law and my two gorgeous nephews. 

I am starting to feel a little more tired than normal. I am told to expect this. I think they call it chemo fatigue. I started to feel quite tired around 6pm today which is unusual for me. It's now 9:30pm and I'm already ready for bed!

Still feeling good

I woke up yesterday expecting to feel a few bad symptoms but nothing except that I feel a little warm and the same again today! I was even able to go to my parents last night to have dinner and home group afterwards! If this continues I'll be able to go back to work on Monday! It's my lovely brother's birthday party tomorrow too, I should hopefully be able to go to that. 

Anomalies in left breast benign

My doctor texted me to let me know that the biopsy on the little unknown specks in my left breast are benign. Hooray!!

Home from Chemo

I am back home from my chemo session. It went fine apart from that it took the nurse 3 times to find a good vein. She kept hitting a valve whatever that is, which meant resistance to the needle going in so eventually they found one in my lower arm. They've advised me to put in what they call a PICC line which is a permanent tube in my upper arm which will stay throughout my treatment and that is where they will administer the chemo drugs and take blood. It is advisable for me because my veins are not so bulgy and not easy to find and also they only have the left arm to work with because the lymph node surgery was on the right side and it is not advisable to have liquids or blood to go out of that arm. I will have a PICC line put in before the next chemo session.

The entire session only took 2 hours (half an hour trying to find a vein!). I had my lunch of chicken and egg sandwiches (lovingly prepared by my mum) at the same time and mum was next to me the whole time. My nurse, Jill was very nice and attentive. One of the drugs when it was going through made me light headed and gave me a line of pain in my eyes. But that passed when it finished. Very weird.

Jill gave me a bag of drugs to take home. Some I have to take, others I take as and when. One drug is for if I am constipated, another is for if I have diarrhoea, another is for I am feeling nauseous and so on. And then there are others that I have to take to work against sickness and get my white cell count up. These are all for me!:

My friend picked us up and drove us home. I have since had a sit down and a cup of tea and I have even been to the supermarket with mum to buy groceries! We've had a nice homemade dinner together (cooked by mother dearest) and now relaxing on the sofa. I feel alright, a bit light headed and a little tired, but not any other side effects yet. And I don't want any, God if you can arrange it. Thank you. Amen!

First chemo session today

First chemo session today at 12:30pm, it should only last 1.5 hours. Mum is going to come with me. The medical info they have given me has let me know that I will most likely lose all of my hair within the next 6 weeks. I have decided not to have a wig made and just wear hats and head scarves in the meantime. It'll be a new look! So for documentary purposes, this is what I look like now:

Also I had to go in for another biopsy on Monday on my other breast(!) as the doctor saw other little things there. She is quite sure they are benign but just wanted to make sure. She also gave me the results of my MRI and it shows that my cancerous lump is is 29mm deep and it is central to my right breast and though it's not that big, it's big in relation to me because I am a small lady! This is what we are trying to reduce with the chemo.

As I begin my treatment I am again overwhelmed at how fortunate I am to be surrounded by wonderful supportive friends and family as well as good practical things like a good job and a cosy flat to just be able to focus on getting better. My family have been wonderful. Mum has been busily cooking meals for me, my freezer is now full with food stuffs that I don't know what to do with! She has also been making carrot juice for me to drink every day. Apparently this is high in vitamin C. Dad has been sourcing the practical needs of my flat, buying me a TV, microwave, kettle, saucepans and other bits and pieces that you need to live in a place. I am also so grateful for my work. Ever since my news I have definitely done less hours every week than my contracted hours due to going to appointments and surgeries, and they are so supportive about it all. My pastorate and home group have started a prayer time to pray for me every week. When I heard about this I nearly cried! And then many of you my lovely friends have let me know that you are thinking about me by sending me flowers, cards, gifts and messages. I know that I am going to be ok because you guys love me and because I know that I am in the palm of God's hand and that He is directing everything and surrounding me with His love and care. Bring on the chemo!

Boiler to be fixed!

After many days of not knowing whether I am going to have constant hot water in my flat, the lettings agent has finally found a contractor with the right quote for the landlord to agree for the work to be done this Thursday/Friday. Hooray and praise God! Thank you for your prayers and keeping me in your thoughts. I nearly moved back to my parents but knowing it will only be a few days makes the boiling of water for the baths more tolerable!

Prayer request - boiler not working

My boiler is not working as it should and it is very inconvenient. The hot water turns to cold water every few minutes so it is not possible to have a shower. I am having to boil water and pouring it into the bathtub to have a bath and this takes more than half an hour, and washing my hair from a bucket. I could be patient if I wasn't having chemo in a few days. I don't know what my body's reaction will be and it'll be nice to just have nice hot showers in my possible weakened state. 

The lettings agent knows about it and are liaising with a boiler company and the landlord, but I would appreciate your prayers for divine intervention for a swift resolution before my chemo begins. If you are not a religious person and you do not pray, please hope for this for me as I believe God hears you too. Thanks guys. 

Chemo starts on Weds

The oncology dept rang today and let me know that my first chemotherapy session will be next Weds (12 March) at 12:35pm. Please pray that I will have minimal effects from the treatment. 

I am also being asked to come in for more tests. Please pray that they don't find more negative stuff than we know about. 

I feel fine and calm about having the chemo. I am glad it is beginning and it is the start of fighting the cancer. 

Still nothing

Still no date for starting chemo. I rang oncology and the lady said that I was in her "urgent" pile and that she would be calling me as soon as she had a date and time for me. I'm not sure if being in her urgent pile is a good or bad thing!

Recovering well

I am doing well and recovering very quickly. The pain in my side where they operated seem to be fading which is great. I still can't put my right arm above my head so it means I can only wear tops that fasten up at the front for the time being. The swelling of my ovaries has gone down and the effects from that surgery have gone. I feel well enough to go back to work tomorrow.

A few days may pass before I update again as I am now awaiting my date to start chemotherapy which should be next week. But I will update as soon as I know. 

Thank you to the lovely friends who have sent me flowers. Every window sill has a vase of flowers which brightens up the place and reminds me of your care for me. Thank you!

Home again

I am home after a successful operation. I had to wait 4 hours to be taken into theatre as I was the young one and it was thought I would recover quicker. This turned out to be true as I left before the lady who went in before me.

Good news, the node turned out to be negative! Praise God the cancer hasn't spread! Big hooray!

I feel more alert after the operation than yesterday even though they gave me a stronger anaesthetic. Not sure why. Maybe it was the type. I haven't needed a nap today. There is pain in my right armpit (where they took the node) and for the time being I am not allowed to lift things with my right arm. Mum will stay with me till I feel better. 

Operation no.2

I am back at the hospital after a good night's rest. Mum also managed to sleep fine on my sofa bed, praise God.

This one is a more serious operation where they are going to see if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes around the breast. Please pray that it all goes well. 

I will find out the results in a couple of weeks.