Thoughts About Death

Lynda Bellingham (her of the Oxo ads) died this month of colon cancer. She was diagnosed last year. I remember her from the TV series Second Thoughts. My parents' neighbour died a few days ago having been diagnosed with liver cancer a couple of months ago. These two deaths of people who I do not even know, also made me think of my ex-boss and friend Max who died of colon cancer two years ago. So this has made me ponder about death these few days. What are my chances of living a good long life now that I have been touched by cancer? Will I die before my parents? Will I die before my brother even though I am younger?

Before I had cancer I lived my life as if it was before me. Because that is what you do. Why worry about death when it is a distant possibility? I would love to live that way again. Not thinking about death. Or at least not fearing it. Looking ahead into life as if it is was one long road that never ends.

I am not entirely sure why I am thinking about my death and when it will be. It will be a relief that is for sure. Life is hard. But there is something about achieving all that you meant to achieve before you go. If I think about my life and imagine that I was to go next year, I wouldn't be dissatisfied with what I have done. But then I wouldn't be very pleased either. I think I have lead a safe life. Doing what is required of me with a few adventures. If I was to die next year, I would probably do more mad things to make it count. But the question is do I have the courage to do mad things now not knowing when I am going to die? Being aware of death is good in that it focuses you on the important things in life and makes you realise that the other stuff is just fluff. 

I have yet to have conversations about my survival rate and if I am remission. I guess that will come up in my follow-up session after radiotherapy. I am technically tumour free and the radiotherapy kills off any existing cancer friendly cells to prevent cancer from coming back. It all looks good and my young age is also a plus. So there are lots of reasons to think I will have a rosy future but it's always good to express these things.