Better today

I am much better today. So weird how just suddenly one day, days after the chemo the side effects begin to wear off and I begin to feel better. I guess it's to be expected. Basically chemotherapy is poison being put into my body at regular intervals and my body will have reactions to it, because neither the healthy or damaged cells want it. So there is a down time when my body is being attacked and then there is an up time when the poison is being purged.

I was able to go out to do some shopping with my parents and Nuri today. I spent much of the time sitting in the car or sat down so I did ok. Then I went back to my parents' house and had dinner with them and my brother, sister-in-law and nephews and a cousin. I am still easily tired and still have heart palpitations but less so than before. I have also noticed that I am quite shaky this time. Either because I feel cold because my immune system is down or because I continue to lose hair.

Here I am with no hair, holding my nephew Hajin:

A little shaky

Bit of a mixed day today. Vomited in the morning but nothing came up as I hadn't eaten anything when the retching began. Had breakfast and my lovely friend Ruth took me out to a nearby cafe for a cup of tea. I only spent an hour with her and it tired me out and I became shaky. Then I went back to my flat to have a small rest then came back out to the same cafe to meet my financial adviser for lunch. I perked up then not sure why, maybe it was because I had more food? Then my parents came over to see me and that was nice. Mum went out in the late afternoon to her doctor's appointment. I was determined to have achieved something with my day so I played a couple of stretching exercise videos via YouTube on my TV to get me moving. That was good for my body but by the time I got to dinner, I was shaky and my heart was beating very fast. 

So not a bad day just small side effects that I just need to bear through. 

Tired, tired, tired

I had two naps today. I am turning into a baby. The simplest tasks tire me out. I got up and had breakfast, did my bathroom routine and got dressed and then napped on the sofa! I went for lunch with my brother's family and got tired towards the end, and then had to nap at our friends' house who we were visiting. 

It's a weird tired too. I look healthy and alert, but inside the energy is draining away. However, I am grateful that I have the freedom to be able to just put my head down and get some shut eye. 

Third chemo experience

It went alright though there is a particular drug that when it goes into me, I get a headache and I feel heavy and unpleasant. Afterwards I went to a Chinese lunch with my friend Chris and my mum. Later in the afternoon I went to my physio appointment for the nurse to check my mobility in my right arm where they took a lymph node. She was pleased with my progress as the pins and needles have disappeared and I am totally mobile in that arm and am not restricted in any way. 

By the time I got home at around 4pm I was pooped and went down for a little nap. 

I got up today at around 1030am, chatted to a friend on Skype, took my drugs and am already feeling I need another nap and it's only midday!

The tiredness is just all the time and I can do very little. I sometimes wonder if this is God's way of telling me to slow down and to enjoy the present more rather rushing headlong into the future. 

But I am doing ok.  Mum is looking after me and my gorgeous nephews are coming to see me this afternoon. 

I am off for the next week till Fri 2nd May, if you live in Bristol or are coming through come and visit me, especially in the day. It'll be lovely to have some company. 

Third cycle of chemo

Next round of chemo tomorrow. Please pray for me to not have worsening side effects. Grrrrr!

Headache gone

I got up on Saturday at midday and I still had my headache, but I thought 'No I am not spending another day in bed' and I started hoovering and the headache started to fade away. It's really showed me that you can apply your mind to override your body. The other thing with being ill is that it is very easy to give your permission to be sicker than you need to be. Because you have the label of a sick person, you could succumb to your illness rather than trying to get on with your life.

It's been a lovely long bank holiday weekend here in the UK. Today we took the kids to a small city farm in Bristol and we had a wonderful time. Here is Euna and I in the farm cafe having lunch. I have started to take my hat off in public as it gets hot sometimes up there!

Uhhhhhhhh!

I didn't manage to cycle to work for the rest of the week because I think that ride tired me out. I've been going to bed really early each night since.

And today I had a really chronic headache to the point where I have been in bed for most of the day, surfacing around 5pm!!

As annoying as it is, I am coming to the realisation that the chemo is affecting me in ways I wasn't prepared for. Not sure what I was prepared for. I have always been such an active person and it is very frustrating to not be able to carry on with my normal life. I wasn't able to go to a friend's birthday picnic today. Instead I am being laid up in bed like a sick person. Because unfortunately I am a sick person. Boohoo.

I am okay really. Please don't feel too sorry for me. I am just complaining. I still have lots of good things going on in my life. I love the fact that when I am sick I have my lovely little flat to recover in. Everything is on the same floor, which is very important when moving hurts your head so you need the bathroom or kitchen to be as close as possible. And it is lovely and quiet. No offence to where I was before, but there are no small children having tantrums or crying in the night. For those who don't know, I was living in my parents' house before with my brother's young family. And my parents are nearby to help me if I need them. And you my lovely friends are just gorgeous in your messages, gifts and prayers. I really feel your love.

And today is Good Friday, when Jesus was crucified on the cross for your and my sins. I am deeply grateful for this.

Cycled to work

I managed to cycle into work today, which I haven't managed to do since my diagnosis nearly two months ago! It didn't take any more energy than before and I don't feel any more breathless than normal which I am really pleased about. I want to try and keep my fitness levels up to counter out the weeks I am lying up after chemo. I have definitely put on weight since this whole thing has begun as lots of my trousers and skirts no longer need a belt to keep them up!

Some of you will have seen a shortened version of this post on Facebook and I wanted to explain my postings on this blog and FB.

I have not announced on Facebook that I have cancer because as you all know friends of friends are able to see posts and I wanted to restrict my news to my actual friends in real life. Facebook is too widespread to be able to be too personal with people one barely knows. So I am unlikely to refer to my having cancer on FB, (though maybe towards the end of treatments). But I love the fact that you guys understand what I am referring to when I post something like my delight in restarting cycling again, because I haven't been able to do it due to my health. 

Also the way I use this blog is as if I was chatting with you in real life and sharing what is going on with me so that you can be part of my journey. I am so comforted by the knowledge that I am not going through this alone, so it is important to me that I share with you in how I am doing. Please do share this blog address with people who are friends with me in real life and who would like to know how I am doing and who I maybe do not have an email address for. 

Returned to work

I felt much better yesterday so I returned to work today. I found two little presents on my desk from volunteers as get well gifts! So sweet! I was fine for most of the day, but at about 5pm I started to feel slightly light headed and tired so I went home! My workplace is very flexible.

Also the other day, I found a craft shop that also sold jewellery parts. I was so happy! I am very keen to not be mistaken for a boy with a bald head so I am determined to accessorise myself with big earrings. But I don't want to have to pay too much for them so when I found this shop I was overjoyed because now I can make as many earrings as I like! This is me after my shopping spree in the shop with the tools and jewellery parts that I need, and also three pairs of earrings I have already made. I am wearing one pair.

Nick's Birthday

Today is my brother's birthday. My gorgeous brother Nick passed away 2.5 years ago of a massive brain aneurysm that had no warning. Whilst time has allowed my family and I to accept his passing, special occasions like birthdays, Christmas and the date he passed away are still difficult.

And it is so easy to remember him with sadness, but I don't want to remember him like that. My brother was a blessing to me. We often fought because we were very different people, but we were committed to loving each other and that is what I most appreciate about Nick. He was very committed to me because I was his sister, and though it would frustrate him that we argued, we both also got a lot of joy and pleasure from the times when we did get along. Nick was a very independent person, always carving out his own path. He was strong and fragile that way.

Nick - I remember you today as my gorgeous brother and essential part of our family. I know you are with God now and I give thanks for this. We will always be a three, you, Kalun and I. Nothing will ever change that. I look forward to the day when I will see you again. I will love you always. Your sis.

Not so good today

I feel very strange today. Light headedness, feel spaced out, heart palpitations and just tired. I went into town to get more medication and by the time I came home I was quite tired from the trip.

Continuing to be fine

The weekend has gone by with not too many side effects. I am feeling nausea more this time and the feeling that I want to throw up, but I am taking my anti-sickness medicine so that is probably helping. I am getting heart palpitations now and again, which is slightly unsettling. But all in all still pretty good. Could be a lot worse.

I went to church today and went out to lunch with friends and my brother's family. I am not going to go to work tomorrow as I just want the nausea, tiredness and heart palpitations to settle down before going back. 

Better today

Today was a better day. In the main I was fine. Euna and the boys came over in the afternoon and I took Nuri to the park opposite my flat and browsed in some charity shops. I bought him a bag of cars which I will keep at my flat for when he comes over. My nephews are very gorgeous. Hajin is 7 weeks old now and getting big. Nuri is 2.5 years old and talking a lot. 

I had dinner with my family and I got tired after and now I am just back at my flat chilling out. No throwing up today. Hooray!

2nd chemo reaction

The picc line is much quicker and better to just get on with the whole chemo procedure rather needing the time to find a good vein. I was just hooked up to the syringes today and in the drugs went.

I became tired quicker this time round. By mid afternoon. Last time I didn't get tired till day 3 after the chemo session. And I vomited up my dinner. Not pleasant. I took my anti-sickness pills afterwards and waited half an hour before trying to eat again. It's stayed down and I'm ok now. Mum is looking after me very well. Am off to bed.

Little Robocop

So I now have a very thin tube line inserted into my left upper arm in a vein to just above my heart. A little tube sticks out from my upper arm ready for doctors/nurses to feed drugs into me or take blood. So amazing! I am a little way to being Robocop! How strange to have something in me that can be hooked up to something else! I also didn't realise that it was a proper medical procedure to insert it. Why I didn't know is now beyond me, because I read the leaflet and everything, and I knew where the line would be going and thinking back on it, it seems obvious now. But it was a proper lie down in an operating chair and they apply local anaesthetic to your arm to put something in you type thing. Thank God my friend Esther offered to come with me. It went smoothly and didn't hurt.

I also saw my chemo doctor in the afternoon. I fell asleep in the waiting room because I had to wait for two hours to see him. He was pleased to hear that I had had little side effects from the first cycle, and he said that it is an indication of what my next two will be like. The drugs change in two cycles' time. But that is good, at least I can expect hopefully to just be a bit tired in the next two cycles.

It is very interesting to see the other patients in the waiting room as many of the women have also shaved their heads or lost all of their hair. Two women were obviously wearing wigs as they hadn't put them on properly as they were kind of wonky. That's the other problem with wigs. You could look like you are wearing a wig because you haven't put it on right. I've been experimenting with head scarves at the moment and alternating between those and hats. I'm still not very used to just going bald as it still feels too cold.

Chemo and physio tomorrow.