Hooray!

I am done, done, done, done, done, DONE. Stick a fork in me because I am done! It felt so good to walk out of the BRI (Bristol Royal Infirmary) today and know that I wouldn't be going back. It's been some journey. What a relief. No more poking, prodding, ingesting drugs, cutting me open and not knowing what my body would do. No more having to get my breasts out at every medical appointment.

When I asked the medical staff what my health status was, they were hesitant to say. They don't like saying the words 'cured' or 'remission' any more because in every cancer survivor there is always a chance of reoccurrence. So they like to cautiously say that all appropriate treatment and medicine has been administered and applied and that now it is a case of monitoring and keeping a close eye on my health. Very long answer. I will have yearly mammograms for 5 years and then less regularly for the rest of my life. I will also take a daily dose of tamoxifen for the next 5 years which lessens the chance of any remaining potential cancer cells from becoming active.

But it would be very accurate for me to say that I am now TUMOUR FREE  and CANCER FREE. Hooray!

I may still experience more tiredness these next couple of weeks as the effect of the radiotherapy continues to accumulate so I still have to go easy. I haven't cycled for two weeks already and don't really feel the energy for it. I've been sleeping loads as well which has probably been a reaction to the treatment.

After my appointment today, I went to the shops and bought myself a gorgeous pair of brown leather boots. Well deserved I think.

On the home stretch

I am on the home stretch of my final treatment. It's very hard to explain how I feel. Exhilarated, sense of relief, tiredness, disbelief, hope, overwhelmed. I think back to what my year has been and it has been weird....surreal. It was totally mapped out for me from the time when I discovered about my cancer which was at the beginning of February. From that time it has been a marathon of doctor appointments, hospital visits, treatments, surgeries, side effects, drugs, sickness and emotional turmoil. I can't believe I am nearly finished. In one sense it has been a long journey because it has not exactly been enjoyable, but in another sense it's also been compact and swift. I cannot fault the NHS at all. They have been absolutely brilliant. As soon as I finish one stage of treatment they promptly send me details of the next stage. I have been so well looked after, that I feel very blessed. I also can't believe that I have been off work this long. By the time I go back to work it will have been 6 months. I am also overwhelmed by how well supported I have been by friends, family, work and my church. 

I still believe that God allowed me to have cancer for a higher purpose. Because He has given me everything that I needed to get through it. However I am still unaware of what it has been for. But I hope my story will inspire others to get through the same fight. I really hope that I will never have to repeat this journey. But at the same time I will not have changed it. I have been so blessed, which only comes from a circumstance like getting a serious illness. I can also honestly say that my relationship with God has grown stronger through this. Maybe that has been the point. My knowledge of Him has grown. I know now that there is nothing impossible for him. And I am so overwhelmed by His love. I hope I never forget this experience.

2 more treatment sessions and then I will be done. No more treatments. Can't wait.

Starting to wilt

I'm starting to feel tired now. I have just woken up from a two hour nap in the afternoon. And all I did was go to my radiotherapy appointment and the supermarket. And I also have a cold. 

Thoughts About Death

Lynda Bellingham (her of the Oxo ads) died this month of colon cancer. She was diagnosed last year. I remember her from the TV series Second Thoughts. My parents' neighbour died a few days ago having been diagnosed with liver cancer a couple of months ago. These two deaths of people who I do not even know, also made me think of my ex-boss and friend Max who died of colon cancer two years ago. So this has made me ponder about death these few days. What are my chances of living a good long life now that I have been touched by cancer? Will I die before my parents? Will I die before my brother even though I am younger?

Before I had cancer I lived my life as if it was before me. Because that is what you do. Why worry about death when it is a distant possibility? I would love to live that way again. Not thinking about death. Or at least not fearing it. Looking ahead into life as if it is was one long road that never ends.

I am not entirely sure why I am thinking about my death and when it will be. It will be a relief that is for sure. Life is hard. But there is something about achieving all that you meant to achieve before you go. If I think about my life and imagine that I was to go next year, I wouldn't be dissatisfied with what I have done. But then I wouldn't be very pleased either. I think I have lead a safe life. Doing what is required of me with a few adventures. If I was to die next year, I would probably do more mad things to make it count. But the question is do I have the courage to do mad things now not knowing when I am going to die? Being aware of death is good in that it focuses you on the important things in life and makes you realise that the other stuff is just fluff. 

I have yet to have conversations about my survival rate and if I am remission. I guess that will come up in my follow-up session after radiotherapy. I am technically tumour free and the radiotherapy kills off any existing cancer friendly cells to prevent cancer from coming back. It all looks good and my young age is also a plus. So there are lots of reasons to think I will have a rosy future but it's always good to express these things. 

No side effects

I am halfway through my radiotherapy treatment and it is going very well. I've not felt any side effects so far though I started to get a little tired last week. But that might have been because I was going out quite a bit. I hope this 'normal' feeling carries on!

So blessed

I went to a make up workshop today run by the Look Good Feel Better charity. The charity runs these workshops worldwide to combat and support women in the visible side effects of cancer treatment. It was so much fun! Two hours of learning about how to apply make up properly and getting to know other women who were in various stages of treatment. Also I didn't realise that we got to take home the products with us! I felt so blessed! We each got a big bag of products that have been sponsored by big companies like Clinique, Lancôme, Olay, Estée Lauder, L'Oreal, etc. How wonderful! This is definitely the upside of having cancer. Being the recipient of lovely things!

More Hair

My hair is growing nicely and I think blacker than before, if that is even possible!