I really shouldn't......

I cycled into work today. The ride was fine, but when I got to work and carried my bike up the stairs I got quite dizzy. And then it felt like a struggle on the way home. I think I need to not ride to work whilst I am on chemo. It's too far. It's 20 mins. When I was fit and well it was a breeze, but not now. I can manage going to my parents' place which is 5 mins' bike ride away but not to work. It's taking too much out of me. 

I really want to do more aerobic exercise other than walking as I am putting on weight. But I guess I am going to have to wait till I am a bit better to exercise more strenuously.

How I am doing other than the physical

I scrolled through my blog and I realised that I have been mainly talking about the physical impact that my illness and treatment have been having on me, and not really much about how it has all been affecting me in other ways. I am going to try and share this with you.

Spiritually, my faith has grown stronger through this, because I see God providing me with everything that I need, to go through whatever I need to for it all to be ok. There are so many factors and aspects of my life that are just so coincidental and for this time that I cannot attribute it to anything other than God. I am so thankful that I am back in the UK when I had discovered my illness because it would have been way more disruptive to have moved back from Hong Kong if the discovery had been made over there. In connection to this I am so thankful that I get to be a very grateful recipient of the NHS system as it would have costed thousands of pounds/dollars otherwise. The week before my diagnosis I moved to my own flat, had the diagnosis been earlier my parents may have persuaded me from moving out, and I myself may have thought twice about it. As it is, my flat has become a haven in my bad days. The location of my flat is also wonderfully ideal as it is near my parents, brother and sister-in-law, who are an essential support for me. I am also part of a wonderful home group and pastorate group where I live, who have given me so much support of every kind. My work have also been very generous in their reaction to my illness and very understanding with how much time I need to have off. Also having a job has also been very therapeutic in itself as it helps me to not dwell on my illness, and gives me the opportunity to use my skills and talents for the benefit of others in-between my treatment sessions.

In recognising that God has provided all this for me, also leads me to acknowledge that all this came about by my brother's sudden death that brought me back from Hong Kong. This obviously confronts me with the unwelcome realisation that his death is part of a greater plan. Before I found out about my illness, I believe and still believe that God took Nick for reasons that I will never know. But when I came back I saw so many people affected by his death that I could see that his death served a greater purpose. I am just grateful that Nick wasn't too long in this life without God's love.

My illness has made me think about death. I didn't before. I used to think that I wouldn't mind dying, that I wouldn't care either way. But I have realised that I don't want to die. I want to live longer and have a greater impact here in this life to make it count that I lived. It has also made me wonder about how much longer I will live. I do not for one second believe I will die from cancer. I caught it at stage 1 and breast cancer is very treatable, but having cancer potentially shortens my longevity. This frightens me a little. I do not want to die before my parents or brother as I am the youngest now. That would be the wrong order of things.

My illness has also made me appreciate the here and now more. I am used to planning my life into the next few months and couple of years, so it is very disconcerting to have 2014 mapped out for my me with my treatments. But I have no other choice than to accept it and live each week as it comes. I am unable to plan very far ahead as I do not know what my health will be like on any given day, which prevents me from living in the future. One of my greatest skills is planning and organisation, but with that comes the tendency of living in the future and not being present. Living this way is very different for me. And difficult. But I am trying to get used to it and sometimes I appreciate it.

I don't feel very brave as friends have told me I am. I find it easy to get on with things when I have no choice. Because it takes out any decision-making on my part and just requires my compliance. And I would rather get on with things as positive as possible, because in the main positivity sparks positivity so if I can encourage positivity that can only be a good thing!

Had a good night's sleep

Apart from a coughing fit, I managed to sleep all the way through last night without any pain. Hooray! I am definitely getting better!

I also have a very strange side effect where my taste buds are changing! Water tastes horrible to me and I can barely taste any of my food! I have to have quite strong tasting food to be able to taste it. My mouth feels like when you accidentally burn your tongue, but it's all around my mouth.

Today is a cold and rainy day here in Bristol. I am going to stay indoors and research companies that would be good for Kalun to work for. His doesn't treat him very well. I don't accept that for my brother!

Turning a corner

I think I am getting better. Last night as I was getting ready for bed I started to feel pain around my middle again but it wasn't as bad as before so I applied a hot water bottle onto it. It was a couple of hours till I was able to fall asleep. But really not as bad as the other nights when I was just lying in bed in pain for hours. I've slept through most of the night. Progress!

I've woken up this morning a little more refreshed and normal. I am going to take it easy. I took three short walks yesterday around where I live and I think they help with my physical wellbeing but also to see other things and to know that there is a world beyond my flat! It helps to try and get out of an ill mindset. I am going to try and get walks into my day. 

I hope I am turning a corner!

Bad night, good day

Last night was similar to the one before. Half of it in pain and the other half dozing off.

I struggled to get going with my day, waking up in pain and just wanting to lie back down. I watched a bit of tv and then made lunch. After lunch I had a little nap and then made myself go out for a walk. My body was still uncomfortable and my eyes were beginning to hurt so I figured it was probably better that I tried to go out for a little walk, change my environment and walk off my lunch to minimise the uncomfortableness around my stomach. Whilst I was out, I received a surprise call from my friend Will in Hong Kong asking how I was doing. Lovely! I stopped off in a park to take the call and by the time we had hung up and I was heading back home I was feeling less bloated. I had a little nap before dinner and then went out for a short evening walk after dinner to again walk off my dinner and relax for the evening.

I am optimistic for tonight's sleep as this is the first time for quite some days that I have been able to sit up on my laptop to type this. The rest of the time the fluid build up around my middle has been too uncomfortable and I have been typing on my phone or iPad. I am praying that I will just fall into a deep sleep until morning. Amen.

Struggling

I am sick.......I am sick......and it is very very boring! Yesterday I started experiencing achyness all over my body and it got excruciating. It's like a tightness all over my body especially my stomach area, my face and my jaw. And it's all the time. My stomach feels like it is full and bloated so I don't want to eat or drink, and when I do eat a little something it's quite painful. I spent half the night in pain and not comfortable in any position, the other half I was able to doze off. This is by far the worst so far.

It's a little better when I stand, but then I can't stand for long as I feel weak and wobbly.

Please pray and lift up your thoughts for me. Please pray for the pain to leave my body and for me to have relief.

Much better today

I think most of my suffering yesterday was due to the drowsy pre-meds. Today was much better as it had worn off. I was able to go out with my brother's family to a second hand baby stuff sale and lunch. I am told that the tiredness and achyness from the chemo will start in 2-3 days' time but so far so good! 

Not so good a chemo session

Uh. I didn't have so smooth of a chemo session this time. The drugs changed because I am halfway through and I had quite a violent reaction to it. When it started going in, I felt overwhelmed, hot and wanting to throw up. The nurse immediately stopped the treatment and the doctor came. They have me more anti sickness meds and gave the meds half an hour to take effect and then started again at a slower rate. It was better the second time round. But the anti sickness meds made me so drowsy. Quite uncomfortable and I just felt so sleepy! And because then the drugs had to go slow, it took 2.5 hours instead of an hour!

I got home and immediately went to sleep and didn't get up till 1030pm!! I had some dinner and went back to sleep again. I am again grateful for my quiet and peaceful flat to recover in. Thank you God. 

Fourth chemo session on Friday

It's the 4th one on Friday. The drugs are changing to just one drug. I can expect to be more tired (great) and achy as well as the other many potential side effects. It'll be fine because I have God and all you guys are thinking and praying for me!

Back to normal

I was able to go back to work yesterday. Hooray! I woke up on Saturday and felt more normal. It is so weird how I do just wake up one morning feeling normal again. I have also learnt from my friend who had lymphoma a few years ago, that the phrase 'chemo brain' is actually a medical term! And that is what it feels like. It feels like I have a different brain or in a mental fog when the chemotherapy is doing its thing in my body. Very strange!

I was surprised to realise that I have another session next Friday. The intervals between the sessions are getting shorter because my recovery times are getting longer. 

Up and down

Since my last post I have been up and down. My pattern has been to get up, have breakfast and then lie back down again! Then I'll do something in the day and then have to lie down again later! It is so infuriating how little I can do before getting tired. 

I went in for a work meeting this morning and it gave me a headache so I came home afterwards. I made lunch, laid down and then was better by late afternoon! Annoying, annoying, annoying. As my friend Esther says, I need to be kind to myself, listen to my body and not push myself and to remember that it is only for a time. Easy to say, hard to do!

The side effects are lengthening too. Today is day 8 after my chemo session and I still haven't been able to go back to work. After my first session I was back at work on day 6. It's a good thing the weekend has come round again and there is a bank holiday so I have an extra 3 days before I need to return to work. 

But I am doing ok. Mum continues to stay with me to look after me and it is a blessing in disguise to spend so much time with her. I am so blessed to have such a loving mum.