Hooray!

I am done, done, done, done, done, DONE. Stick a fork in me because I am done! It felt so good to walk out of the BRI (Bristol Royal Infirmary) today and know that I wouldn't be going back. It's been some journey. What a relief. No more poking, prodding, ingesting drugs, cutting me open and not knowing what my body would do. No more having to get my breasts out at every medical appointment.

When I asked the medical staff what my health status was, they were hesitant to say. They don't like saying the words 'cured' or 'remission' any more because in every cancer survivor there is always a chance of reoccurrence. So they like to cautiously say that all appropriate treatment and medicine has been administered and applied and that now it is a case of monitoring and keeping a close eye on my health. Very long answer. I will have yearly mammograms for 5 years and then less regularly for the rest of my life. I will also take a daily dose of tamoxifen for the next 5 years which lessens the chance of any remaining potential cancer cells from becoming active.

But it would be very accurate for me to say that I am now TUMOUR FREE  and CANCER FREE. Hooray!

I may still experience more tiredness these next couple of weeks as the effect of the radiotherapy continues to accumulate so I still have to go easy. I haven't cycled for two weeks already and don't really feel the energy for it. I've been sleeping loads as well which has probably been a reaction to the treatment.

After my appointment today, I went to the shops and bought myself a gorgeous pair of brown leather boots. Well deserved I think.

On the home stretch

I am on the home stretch of my final treatment. It's very hard to explain how I feel. Exhilarated, sense of relief, tiredness, disbelief, hope, overwhelmed. I think back to what my year has been and it has been weird....surreal. It was totally mapped out for me from the time when I discovered about my cancer which was at the beginning of February. From that time it has been a marathon of doctor appointments, hospital visits, treatments, surgeries, side effects, drugs, sickness and emotional turmoil. I can't believe I am nearly finished. In one sense it has been a long journey because it has not exactly been enjoyable, but in another sense it's also been compact and swift. I cannot fault the NHS at all. They have been absolutely brilliant. As soon as I finish one stage of treatment they promptly send me details of the next stage. I have been so well looked after, that I feel very blessed. I also can't believe that I have been off work this long. By the time I go back to work it will have been 6 months. I am also overwhelmed by how well supported I have been by friends, family, work and my church. 

I still believe that God allowed me to have cancer for a higher purpose. Because He has given me everything that I needed to get through it. However I am still unaware of what it has been for. But I hope my story will inspire others to get through the same fight. I really hope that I will never have to repeat this journey. But at the same time I will not have changed it. I have been so blessed, which only comes from a circumstance like getting a serious illness. I can also honestly say that my relationship with God has grown stronger through this. Maybe that has been the point. My knowledge of Him has grown. I know now that there is nothing impossible for him. And I am so overwhelmed by His love. I hope I never forget this experience.

2 more treatment sessions and then I will be done. No more treatments. Can't wait.

Starting to wilt

I'm starting to feel tired now. I have just woken up from a two hour nap in the afternoon. And all I did was go to my radiotherapy appointment and the supermarket. And I also have a cold. 

Thoughts About Death

Lynda Bellingham (her of the Oxo ads) died this month of colon cancer. She was diagnosed last year. I remember her from the TV series Second Thoughts. My parents' neighbour died a few days ago having been diagnosed with liver cancer a couple of months ago. These two deaths of people who I do not even know, also made me think of my ex-boss and friend Max who died of colon cancer two years ago. So this has made me ponder about death these few days. What are my chances of living a good long life now that I have been touched by cancer? Will I die before my parents? Will I die before my brother even though I am younger?

Before I had cancer I lived my life as if it was before me. Because that is what you do. Why worry about death when it is a distant possibility? I would love to live that way again. Not thinking about death. Or at least not fearing it. Looking ahead into life as if it is was one long road that never ends.

I am not entirely sure why I am thinking about my death and when it will be. It will be a relief that is for sure. Life is hard. But there is something about achieving all that you meant to achieve before you go. If I think about my life and imagine that I was to go next year, I wouldn't be dissatisfied with what I have done. But then I wouldn't be very pleased either. I think I have lead a safe life. Doing what is required of me with a few adventures. If I was to die next year, I would probably do more mad things to make it count. But the question is do I have the courage to do mad things now not knowing when I am going to die? Being aware of death is good in that it focuses you on the important things in life and makes you realise that the other stuff is just fluff. 

I have yet to have conversations about my survival rate and if I am remission. I guess that will come up in my follow-up session after radiotherapy. I am technically tumour free and the radiotherapy kills off any existing cancer friendly cells to prevent cancer from coming back. It all looks good and my young age is also a plus. So there are lots of reasons to think I will have a rosy future but it's always good to express these things. 

No side effects

I am halfway through my radiotherapy treatment and it is going very well. I've not felt any side effects so far though I started to get a little tired last week. But that might have been because I was going out quite a bit. I hope this 'normal' feeling carries on!

So blessed

I went to a make up workshop today run by the Look Good Feel Better charity. The charity runs these workshops worldwide to combat and support women in the visible side effects of cancer treatment. It was so much fun! Two hours of learning about how to apply make up properly and getting to know other women who were in various stages of treatment. Also I didn't realise that we got to take home the products with us! I felt so blessed! We each got a big bag of products that have been sponsored by big companies like Clinique, Lancôme, Olay, Estée Lauder, L'Oreal, etc. How wonderful! This is definitely the upside of having cancer. Being the recipient of lovely things!

More Hair

My hair is growing nicely and I think blacker than before, if that is even possible!

So Quick

The treatment sessions are so quick that it almost seems not worth making the trip into town for. Obviously I know I have to do it. My radiography team are Helen, Mike and Gordon. I will be seeing them every day for the next month and they will be seeing my boobs every day. I even have my own gown that I bring back and forth.

On the ceiling of the treatment room is a nice large picture of a sunny sky, dotted with colourful hot air balloons flying up into the sky. I thought that was very thoughtful of whoever designed the room so that us patients have something pleasant to look at every day.

Radiotherapy Started

My radiotherapy started today and it's not very exciting. I lie on the treatment table, the radiographers adjust my body to the exact position that was recorded in my planning session. Then a machine that is a bigger version of the light that is used when you go to the dentist, is positioned to one side of me and the treatment is given. And then the opposite side. There is no beam that I can see and I don't feel anything. The treatment is over in 10 minutes. However, the side effects are tiredness and sore skin. The radiographers tell me that I probably will start to feel tired after a week/10 days of treatment.

It is funny how it is now very normal to strip in front of perfect strangers on my medical visits. And they don't bat an eyelid. They've seen it all before.

Hair Update

My hair is growing really well and hopefully I should be able to take off my hats and head scarves in public soon. 

I had my radiotherapy treatment planning appointment on Friday and I am starting treatment on the 16th, every day for 3 - 4 weeks. 

Radiotherapy Doctor appointment

Went to see the radiotherapy doctor today and I think she was just making sure that I knew what was coming up. She didn't give me anymore information than I already knew so now it's another wait of two or three weeks to actually meet with the radiotherapy team to prepare me for the treatment. And then the actual treatment is two or three weeks after that!

I've been cycling three times a week these past few weeks to strengthen my body. I think I may have to make it less frequent as I was quite tired this morning and I don't really know why. I think I need to slowly build up. And I have started a church course on Weds evenings and a creative writing course on Monday evenings. It's all very fun and gives me the opportunity to develop myself and try new things. These new interests also gives me a focus in my very free time, otherwise I am very susceptible to doing activities that require spending money! Only the creative course costs me ££.

My hair is starting to grow back!

Younger Women Breast Cancer Support Group

I went along to a support group tonight for women under the age of 45. It was very interesting and it felt good to chat with other women who had the same condition as me. It was a very small group of six women. Three were going through treatment, one was post treatment for breast cancer but at risk of ovarian cancer and the oldest woman who perhaps was in her 40s had breast cancer 20 years ago. It was so fascinating to hear how each woman's treatment plan was different and specific to each unique diagnosis, though we all shared the same condition. Three women had mastectomies straightaway; one did not have chemo; one did not have radiotherapy. Two of the women had also  undergone reconstructive surgery and I was amazed to find out that in both their cases part of their stomach had been used to do the reconstruction! Essentially they also got a tummy tuck in the process! Amazing what modern medicine can do nowadays! Their stomach and the surrounding areas still work as before and their boobs do feel like boobs!

One lady who was living out in Beijing had discovered her illness and has flown back to the UK to receive treatment. Small world that it is, she and her family had lived in Hong Kong before Beijing due to her husband's job and her son was born there.

One lady is still on her journey with cancer even though it has been four years on since. Laura discovered she had breast cancer when she was pregnant and had had her 20 week scan. She underwent a mastectomy whilst she was pregnant but had to wait till the birth of her daughter before undergoing chemotherapy. And even then she had to have an early caesarean so that she could begin chemo. She's since had a fertility test which has informed her that she is infertile, and also now she has discovered that she has a 40% - 60% chance of having ovarian cancer and so has decided to remove her ovaries! My heart went out to her. Thank God she has a daughter.

It was really good to chat to these women, to share the upheaval of having such a serious illness, to learn about how they have made decisions about their treatment and how they have managed the rest of their lives during their journeys. Whilst I knew that I was not alone, this was the first time that I had met other women who specifically had my type of cancer and it's comforting to know there are others going through what I am going through.

Margins Clear!

I am so happy! The doc said that my margins from the latest operation are clear of cancer cells! Hooray! That means no more surgery and I can move onto the next stage of my treatment. I was really dreading bad news when I was going in there, but what wonderful news instead! Phew. Thank you Father for you are a good and gracious God! I have an appointment with the radiotherapy dept in mid Sept to plan my radiotherapy treatment so this blog may become a big sparse till then. I was hoping to update everyone with how I have been spending my days, but I haven't settled into a routine yet as one-off events keep popping up (my parents' business sale and the additional op). But my days are beginning to settle down. I recently wrote down a list of things I should be focusing on, and these were bible study, improving my fitness, chinese studies, improving my cooking and learning creative writing. This sounds like a lot, but it's not. I'm not intending to do all of these every day, but one or two but having a list is good so I am not aimless. 

I have been doing my chinese homework in preparation for the new academic year and I've also ordered some cookery books. I've also been on a creative writing workshop which was very fun, and I've just bought a new bike so I am making progress with my goals. I am very excited about my new bike arriving as I am a very active person and have despaired that I have been unable to work out much this year (understandably). So I am looking forward to getting back out into the open air and letting off some steam!

Thank God for today's outcome. I feel like I have been told that I can pass!

Results of surgery appointment

Whoops. Forgot to let you all know that I will be seeing my breast care doctor today to get the results of the operation. Some of you will read/get this too late, but if in it time please pray that they got all the tissue with the cancer cells and I can proceed with the radiotherapy. My appointment is at 2:45pm.

Doing well

Mum and dad picked me from hospital yesterday and we spent much of the morning in B&Q! They wanted to buy stuff and I wanted to stretch my legs. I am not feeling any pain now as I am taking painkillers. I took a nap in the afternoon and had a relaxing dinner with my parents. 

Recovering

I am out, have had my dinner, watched a bit of TV and am about to go to bed. I have a little bit of pain but it's tolerable. The operation was quicker this time with me in the theatre for half an hour. Mum waited for me the whole time and is back home now. She and my dad will pick me up tomorrow morning when they discharge me. 

I have my own room with TV and own bathroom! 

Second Time Lucky

I am in the waiting room of the private hospital about to check in. I ran into a friend of a friend on Sunday who is a surgeon and her last rotation was as a breast surgeon. She said that my operation was very common and not risky at all, which really reassured me. I am just praying that they get the last of the cancer cells this time and I can move on with my treatment. My operation is sometime between 6pm - 9pm (GMT), please pray that it is successful!

Good Progress

My eyelid check up went well. The doc was pleased with my progress. He told me to finish the course of antibiotics, keep my eyelids clean and to not wear contact lenses until things have settled down. Good, good, good. I just wish my eyelashes would hurry up and grow back. I miss them. I can really tell the difference now that I don't have many of them left. I am more susceptible to dirt and things going into my eyes.

My breast care doctor also rang to tell me that my surgery is next Tuesday (19th). It'll be at a private hospital this time as he couldn't find a surgery space at a NHS hospital for me for the next month. And I need it soon for the radiotherapy to progress. The surgery will be in the evening so I will need to stay overnight. He was keen to emphasise that they wouldn't be taking very much from me. Good, there's not much of me to take.

Here I am looking very healthy with my brother, enjoying the Bristol Balloon Fiesta:

Not as bad as I thought

Saw the doc today. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Best practise is that they normally like to have 2mm of healthy tissue around the tumour when it is cut out. They only got 1mm from me on the one side of the tumour, so they are going to take 1mm more from that side. It's a bit technical because it's not just about getting a healthy margin around the tumour, it is also because they found dormant cancer cells on that side which could grow. He doesn't know when the surgery will be yet and will notify me when he has scheduled it, but it will be soon.

Over the weekend when I had given it more thought, I had guessed that it wasn't going to be a mastectomy as you can't suddenly go from a 12mm lumpectomy to a complete mastectomy. I was very relieved for them to confirm this.

Eyelid check up tomorrow. The medical stuff just never ends!