I scrolled through my blog and I realised that I have been mainly talking about the physical impact that my illness and treatment have been having on me, and not really much about how it has all been affecting me in other ways. I am going to try and share this with you.
Spiritually, my faith has grown stronger through this, because I see God providing me with everything that I need, to go through whatever I need to for it all to be ok. There are so many factors and aspects of my life that are just so coincidental and for this time that I cannot attribute it to anything other than God. I am so thankful that I am back in the UK when I had discovered my illness because it would have been way more disruptive to have moved back from Hong Kong if the discovery had been made over there. In connection to this I am so thankful that I get to be a very grateful recipient of the NHS system as it would have costed thousands of pounds/dollars otherwise. The week before my diagnosis I moved to my own flat, had the diagnosis been earlier my parents may have persuaded me from moving out, and I myself may have thought twice about it. As it is, my flat has become a haven in my bad days. The location of my flat is also wonderfully ideal as it is near my parents, brother and sister-in-law, who are an essential support for me. I am also part of a wonderful home group and pastorate group where I live, who have given me so much support of every kind. My work have also been very generous in their reaction to my illness and very understanding with how much time I need to have off. Also having a job has also been very therapeutic in itself as it helps me to not dwell on my illness, and gives me the opportunity to use my skills and talents for the benefit of others in-between my treatment sessions.
In recognising that God has provided all this for me, also leads me to acknowledge that all this came about by my brother's sudden death that brought me back from Hong Kong. This obviously confronts me with the unwelcome realisation that his death is part of a greater plan. Before I found out about my illness, I believe and still believe that God took Nick for reasons that I will never know. But when I came back I saw so many people affected by his death that I could see that his death served a greater purpose. I am just grateful that Nick wasn't too long in this life without God's love.
My illness has made me think about death. I didn't before. I used to think that I wouldn't mind dying, that I wouldn't care either way. But I have realised that I don't want to die. I want to live longer and have a greater impact here in this life to make it count that I lived. It has also made me wonder about how much longer I will live. I do not for one second believe I will die from cancer. I caught it at stage 1 and breast cancer is very treatable, but having cancer potentially shortens my longevity. This frightens me a little. I do not want to die before my parents or brother as I am the youngest now. That would be the wrong order of things.
My illness has also made me appreciate the here and now more. I am used to planning my life into the next few months and couple of years, so it is very disconcerting to have 2014 mapped out for my me with my treatments. But I have no other choice than to accept it and live each week as it comes. I am unable to plan very far ahead as I do not know what my health will be like on any given day, which prevents me from living in the future. One of my greatest skills is planning and organisation, but with that comes the tendency of living in the future and not being present. Living this way is very different for me. And difficult. But I am trying to get used to it and sometimes I appreciate it.
I don't feel very brave as friends have told me I am. I find it easy to get on with things when I have no choice. Because it takes out any decision-making on my part and just requires my compliance. And I would rather get on with things as positive as possible, because in the main positivity sparks positivity so if I can encourage positivity that can only be a good thing!
big hugs my friend.
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