Starting to wilt

I'm starting to feel tired now. I have just woken up from a two hour nap in the afternoon. And all I did was go to my radiotherapy appointment and the supermarket. And I also have a cold. 

Thoughts About Death

Lynda Bellingham (her of the Oxo ads) died this month of colon cancer. She was diagnosed last year. I remember her from the TV series Second Thoughts. My parents' neighbour died a few days ago having been diagnosed with liver cancer a couple of months ago. These two deaths of people who I do not even know, also made me think of my ex-boss and friend Max who died of colon cancer two years ago. So this has made me ponder about death these few days. What are my chances of living a good long life now that I have been touched by cancer? Will I die before my parents? Will I die before my brother even though I am younger?

Before I had cancer I lived my life as if it was before me. Because that is what you do. Why worry about death when it is a distant possibility? I would love to live that way again. Not thinking about death. Or at least not fearing it. Looking ahead into life as if it is was one long road that never ends.

I am not entirely sure why I am thinking about my death and when it will be. It will be a relief that is for sure. Life is hard. But there is something about achieving all that you meant to achieve before you go. If I think about my life and imagine that I was to go next year, I wouldn't be dissatisfied with what I have done. But then I wouldn't be very pleased either. I think I have lead a safe life. Doing what is required of me with a few adventures. If I was to die next year, I would probably do more mad things to make it count. But the question is do I have the courage to do mad things now not knowing when I am going to die? Being aware of death is good in that it focuses you on the important things in life and makes you realise that the other stuff is just fluff. 

I have yet to have conversations about my survival rate and if I am remission. I guess that will come up in my follow-up session after radiotherapy. I am technically tumour free and the radiotherapy kills off any existing cancer friendly cells to prevent cancer from coming back. It all looks good and my young age is also a plus. So there are lots of reasons to think I will have a rosy future but it's always good to express these things. 

No side effects

I am halfway through my radiotherapy treatment and it is going very well. I've not felt any side effects so far though I started to get a little tired last week. But that might have been because I was going out quite a bit. I hope this 'normal' feeling carries on!

So blessed

I went to a make up workshop today run by the Look Good Feel Better charity. The charity runs these workshops worldwide to combat and support women in the visible side effects of cancer treatment. It was so much fun! Two hours of learning about how to apply make up properly and getting to know other women who were in various stages of treatment. Also I didn't realise that we got to take home the products with us! I felt so blessed! We each got a big bag of products that have been sponsored by big companies like Clinique, Lancôme, Olay, Estée Lauder, L'Oreal, etc. How wonderful! This is definitely the upside of having cancer. Being the recipient of lovely things!

More Hair

My hair is growing nicely and I think blacker than before, if that is even possible!

So Quick

The treatment sessions are so quick that it almost seems not worth making the trip into town for. Obviously I know I have to do it. My radiography team are Helen, Mike and Gordon. I will be seeing them every day for the next month and they will be seeing my boobs every day. I even have my own gown that I bring back and forth.

On the ceiling of the treatment room is a nice large picture of a sunny sky, dotted with colourful hot air balloons flying up into the sky. I thought that was very thoughtful of whoever designed the room so that us patients have something pleasant to look at every day.

Radiotherapy Started

My radiotherapy started today and it's not very exciting. I lie on the treatment table, the radiographers adjust my body to the exact position that was recorded in my planning session. Then a machine that is a bigger version of the light that is used when you go to the dentist, is positioned to one side of me and the treatment is given. And then the opposite side. There is no beam that I can see and I don't feel anything. The treatment is over in 10 minutes. However, the side effects are tiredness and sore skin. The radiographers tell me that I probably will start to feel tired after a week/10 days of treatment.

It is funny how it is now very normal to strip in front of perfect strangers on my medical visits. And they don't bat an eyelid. They've seen it all before.